Thursday, January 27, 2005



Hi, I'm the staff metaphysician, Thomas Aquinas. The Commandant thought maybe you could use my help.

Thomas Aquinas? Not--

The medieval scholastic? No, I'm afraid not. My parents tell me we're descended from him--hence the name. He was my great-great-great-whatever grandfather.

So, uh--

I understand you're contemplating going out into the Ding-an-sich.

I have to, yes. It's the only way to get in touch with Jesus and Mohammed. They're out there performing--this instant, I believe.

Every instant, in fact.

Yes, quite.

And I understand they gave you a card of some sort?

That's right, yes.

May I see the card?

Why--yes. I have it here somewhere. But--

I'm just wondering if it's one of the special Be Not Subsumed cards. You know, with the sticker in the corner.

Sticker? I never noticed any sticker. Dammit, where did I put that? I know it's in here somewhere. I can never find anything in this damn wallet.

It would be up on the top right-hand corner. With that sticker you should be able to navigate through the Ding-an-sich without metaphysical mishap.

Here it is! Now--

See here? This. Oh dear.


Well, it's partially rubbed off. See?

What--what does that mean? I can't go?

I don't know. You might be okay. Then again--

But--isn't there some way to run a test, or something? Some kind of metaphysical Geiger counter or something? See if it still has its juice?

Hm. Interesting. Not exactly, but--I think I might know who to ask.

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