Tuesday, September 28, 2004


A Sad End and a New Beginning

“All right, Karl, I’ll take off my robe, but I don’t like this one bit. You coming in here, threatening me and all. What the fuck?” The judge scowled and reached for the zipper of his long black robe.

He stood quietly and watched, while one of his goons held an assault rifle pointed at the judge. “I don’t want any trouble, Tony. You know I love you. It’s just that we really need that prepuce, and I have information that you’ve got it. You may not even know you have it.”

The judge’s robes were off. Karl and his goon both gasped.

Tony grunted. “OK, look. You see any prepuce?”

“My god, man! Y-you’re a, a… a goat! With feathers!”

“Half goat, half duck, actually.

“But your head is human. And your arms.”

“Grafts. Can’t alarm the public, you know. Especially those environmentalists. Bunch of crybabies.”

“I never knew.”

“There are a lot of things you don’t know, Karl. It’s better that way.”

“You’re working with Dick, aren’t you? You go hunting together, and never invite me. Christ. You hunt ducks!”

“I’m trying to kill my father, Karl. It’s all very reasonable.”

There’s a crashing noise, and a blinding light. A woman, decked out in the most brilliant purple and golden robes, and wearing a jeweled crown, appears next to Scalia. The operative with the assault rifle opens fire on her to no effect. She tosses a bolt of lightning—well, more of a ball of lightning, really—at the man, and he falls over dead.

“W-who are you?” Karl asks in a quavering voice. “S-some kind of g-g-goddess?”

“You don’t need to know who I am, doughboy. Let’s just say I’m a friend of Tony and Dick. Speaking of dick, you know what I need?”

“No!” Karl squeaks. “Not that.”

And Hera points a finger at him. He begins to shrink, getting smaller and smaller until he’s only twelve inches tall. “Ahhhh,” she says, picking him up as he tries to run away under a desk. “My new dildo. My new little toy.”

Tony laughs. “Be nice to him. You know what happened to the last one.”

“I’ll see you later,” she says, as she disappears in puff of diamond dust.

The man with the assault rifle sits up. “Ughhhh. Where am I? Why do I have this gun?”

The goat-duck bends down and looks at him. “Who are you? Why aren’t you dead?”

“I don’t know. Last thing I remember is being a ball of lightning, and the lights were out in heaven. Then I was here. Who--what--are you?”

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