Monday, September 06, 2004


Olivia Is Tempted

Got your name from Mullah Billdoug’s address book.

So you say.

It says you’re willing to participate in the forbidden experiment.

Does it, now?

Also says you’ve got a case before the Board of Karmic Adjusters, regarding your alleged untimely death.


You know, I have connections on the board. I have, ummm, shall we say, had certain appeals, well, expedited, settled quickly and neatly.

How nice.

You don’t trust me.

I don’t trust anyone who wears plaid robes.

You’re funny.

Yeah, a laugh riot.

Listen, Olivia, if you’re really willing to participate in the forbidden experiment, and you have a case before the board and you really, really, want to get reborn to rich parents, then I think you should take a minute to listen to me.

OK, you got a minute. Starting now. And I don’t mean any of this “in heaven a minute is as a millennium” shit. One minute. Go.

The forbidden experiment involves, as you know, tempting Satan, making bets with Yahweh, and the Bulgarian Perversion.

I didn’t know that. Fifty seconds.

And you have genes that make you a perfect candidate for the Bulgarian Perversion. From your mother’s side, you know. The retired waitress in Scottsdale. Now lives in a trailer. Prays for you every day.

You know my mother?

I know her amino acid by amino acid. I have her mapped.

Hm. Thirty seconds.

If you indeed have the genetic inclination to the Bulgarian Perversion, and if indeed you are willing to participate in the forbidden experiment, we can wreak havoc on all of the philosophies of the earth. And I’m not talking weird weather, or gravity, or goats raining from the sky. The Mullah Billdoug will be seeking you. I got here first. And with a better offer.

I don’t even know what the forbidden experiment is. I just checked the box yes for the hell of it.

Ho, ho. You never heard of the Marriage of Heaven and Hell? Ever? You never heard of trying to wed rationalism with faith? Of making all the deities scientists, and all the scientists deities? Of making the limpers eagles, and the eagles bulls? Ever?

No. Never.

Take my card. And this letter.


I’ll be back tomorrow, same time.

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