Friday, October 01, 2004
First Transcripts of the Great Debate
Mr. Buddha, you have won the coin toss. You get the first question.
Q: Should competition be allowed among deities?
BUDDHA: No. Deities should transcend their differences and become one with the All-encompassing.
Q: Could you elaborate on this concept, “the All-encompassing?”
Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that you have been suicidal lately?
BUDDHA: Suicidal would be inaccurate. Lately I have been, let us say, untranscendental. I am adjusting to my medication quite nicely, thank you.
Very well, then. Mr. Satan, you get the next question.
Q: Is it true that you are the source of all evil? And, will there be another war in heaven?
SATAN: That is the most hurtful lie that is told about me. Of course I am not the source of all evil. Maybe 27% at the most when production is high. Yahweh and Allah are the source of at least 43%, and they’re the ones spreading this nonsense. Politicians and preachers account for the other 30%, I’m told. As for another war in heaven, I just don’t know. I can only say that if it spills over into hell, there’s going to be heck to pay. I just had the place carpeted.
Thank you. Mr. Bush, you have the next question.
[Interruption, drunken shouting from the audience. “Hey, I know you! I ripped you to pieces just yesterday! How did you get put back together?” Then “Quiet, D. You’re gonna get us both thrown out.”]
Q: Is it true that you are a believer in Jesus, Yahweh’s son? That you think he’s God? That you talk to him about all of your decisions?
BUSH: Of course I believe that what I believe is what I should believe, because I believe it, and that’s a sign of strong leadership, to believe that what you believe is believable. And to talk about what you believe with the one you believe in is also very true and believable.
Ummm, OK. I guess. The next question goes to Mr. Ahura Mazda.
[Interruption, more shouting. “Why were you invited? You don’t have any followers left, you old fraud!”]
Q: Mr. Mazda, was the Japanese vehicle manufacturer named after you?
AHURA MAZDA: No. You're thinking of the Studebaker.
Thank you. The last question before we break for commercials goes to Mr. Stalin.
Q: Mr. Stalin, is it true that you were actually a dupe of Ludwig Wittgenstein’s in the 1930’s?
STALIN: I will kill you for making such a question, you pig.
Right, let’s break then. Chef Pharaoh has some lovely food while we are on commercial.
BREAK to “FART BLOSSOM ANAL CRÈME” infomercial.