Monday, October 11, 2004


Christopher Reeve Arrives in Heaven

The first thing I notice is: fuck me, I can walk!

The next is: hot holy damn, I can fly!

And I'm telling God's own truth when I say that it was only the third thing I noticed that the lights were out. Pitch-black dark.

Funny how eight years in a wheelchair can rearrange your priorities.

So I'm flying around like a madman. And when I get tired of flying, I do the Superman running landing thing and walk for a while. I walk around with my head held high, though I know nobody can see it.

Then I hear a little voice.

"Hey mister!"

Very little. Think talking grasshopper voices.

"Uh--where are you?" I say.

"Down here," the voice says. "Lie down on the ground. We'll find you."

So I do, still taking absolute joy in my mobility, and within seconds can feel myself surrounded by little beings.

"Who are you guys?" I say, quietly, so I don't scare them with my big booming Superman voice.

"You don't remember us?" one says. "I'm hurt."

"Fievel?" I guess.

"Not even close," the little guy says. "We're the ones that provided the 22 lines for stem-cell research. The ones that the Chimp Clone allowed scientists to use."

"Aborted fetuses!" I cry.

"You remembered!" the little guy says.

"Wow," I say. "I never thought I'd ever get a chance to thank you guys."

"Yeah, well, there's something you can do for us," another says.

"Anything," I say. "Just name it."

"We know where the light switch is, but we can't get to it. Can you fly us there? We're tired of bumping around in the dark."

"The light switch for--heaven?" I say, amazed. How'd these little guys figure that out?

"What else? You got a, like, shirt pocket or something? We'll just climb in, and you fly us there. Okay?"

So I do it. What the hell! I can fucking fly!

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