Saturday, September 04, 2004

 

Another Resignation at Sufi U

Dear Dean Wocklefeister:

It is with little regret that I tender my resignation from Sufi University. My reasons for resigning are simple, and I call them to your attention as I accept a position as a rapture insurance salesman for Hoover Mutual. As the holder of the LaHaye Chair of Rapture Studies and Christian Robotics in the Department of Maranatha Studies at Sufi U for the last seven years, I must say that the marginalization of our department has been egregious. We have been mercilessly ridiculed in faculty meetings by those snooty-tooties over in the Department of Whaling (they even threw a harpoon at me!), and our certificate and degree programs in Monotheistic Meteorology were shot down by the Curriculum Committee for "lack of enrollment"--although we had a waiting list of over 250,000 potential students! Small by Sufi U standards, true, but large enough to make us self-supporting, I would say. They also cited "lack of academic rigor" in our programs, although our research in messianic weather prediction has been called "stirring" by Dr. Pat Robertson. My office door has been repeatedly vandalized--I suspect by the custodial staff and certain faculty in the Muslim Stereophonics Department--with crude drawings of human genitalia being turned into robots with halos. Someone left huge piles of excreta and offal in my parking space with a note that said "YOU." These are only the most obvious attacks on my scholarship and person.

It is my hope that you will consider strengthening this department upon my departure. Dr. Bruno, the current chair, whose house was recently destroyed by robotic hail, is an obvious choice to replace me as holder of the LaHaye chair. Dr. Bush can replace him as chair easily. I am sure that, given some protection from these attacks, they can lead this department to its place as the source of flagship programs at Sufi U. They are both doing groundbreaking work on Christian cloud formations and robotic blizzards.

Meanwhile, I will be doing quite well, thank you. I have already sold over $500,000 worth of post-tribulation coverage. You might consider taking a policy yourself, just in case the postmillennialists are right. This policy covers boils, sores, plagues, blood, robotic goats, mud and assassin dervishes, and any and all horsemen, all for less than $10 a month. You know how to contact me at my office in Baton Rouge if you're interested.

Yours in Non-Satanic Murderous Monotheism,

Dr. Pius N. Podesta IV




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