Thursday, November 11, 2004
JESUS SNATCHED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT; MARY IN HOSPITAL WITH LIVER FAILURE
(Heaven and New York City, APP) According to police, Jesus was kidnapped in broad daylight while walking out of the Fox News studios here earlier today, where he had been taping an interview with Greta van Susteren. Early reports indicate that three men “of Middle-Eastern origin” threw a burlap sack over the head of the Savior, and threw him into a black Mercedes, which then sped off.
“We have not had contact with the kidnappers, nor has Yahweh heard from them yet,” Sergeant Hank Wilfurtz said. “We have no leads as to where they may have taken him. It almost certainly must be the work of some very powerful people, though. I mean, to snatch an all-powerful deity in broad daylight?”
As the investigation continues, news from our reporter in Heaven, Samuel Clemens, indicates that the Mother of Jesus, Mary, is in the hospital in a deep coma, reportedly suffering from liver failure. Yahweh is reported to be at her bedside. While Yahweh declined to speak to reporters, his spokesperson granted a brief interview to Mr. Clemens just minutes ago.
Adam ben Ezra: “Now this isn’t for addition to the Holy Scriptures or anything, you understand,” he began, “because we can’t verify that Mary is actually ill. There is no sickness or tears in Heaven, after all, and Yahweh just built the hospital here because the Christian Scientists insisted on it.”
Clemens: “Sounds like a coverup to me, ben Ezra. We all know Mary has been into the sauce for the last few years. Even a Holy Liver has to give out sooner or later.”
Adam ben Ezra: “I can’t confirm or deny that.”
Clemens: “Have you heard that Jesus was kidnapped? Any ideas on that?”
Adam ben Ezra: “Yahweh is being kept abreast of that situation, yes. And he asks that all of his supporters keep Jesus and Mary in their prayers until this tragedy is over.”
Clemens: “That’s kind of a switch, isn’t it? I mean, usually people appeal to Jesus and Mary in their prayers.”
Adam ben Ezra: “So now you’re saying that you can’t return the favor, when they’re in need?”
Clemens: “But whose name would they pray in?”
Adam ben Ezra: “Just leave that part blank, and we’ll fill it in later at processing. OK? I have to go now.”