Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Yahweh Flipflops on Gay Civil Unions
Yahweh's latest campaign poster, found on a River Oaks front lawn, Houston
Washington, DC (AP) -- Judeo-Christian deity Yahweh, once the proud supporter of His Son Jesus Christ, His Girlfriend Mary Mother of God, and His Strong Leader George W. Bush, has come out in favor of gay civil unions.
The surprising flipflop from this Tireless Gay-Basher and Scourge of Deviant Lifestyles came Tuesday morning on the popular morning television show Good Morning America, where Yahweh told host Charles Gibson that the federal government has no business interfering with states' rights on this issue.
Gibson, for a moment speechless at this revelation, asked whether this meant Yahweh was withdrawing support from the Million Mantid March, currently converging on Washington in a bug-infested attempt to retake the White House from our great president Abraham Lincoln. The Judeo-Christian deity nodded enthusiastically: "Absolutely," He said. "Those f**king bugs can swarm without Me. Just call Me the Raid candidate."
Yahweh's desperate last-minute flipflop, an unlikely bid to capture the gay and lesbian vote that is much more likely to alienate the deity's heartlands base among swarming Christian voters, is all the more surprising given His appearance Monday evening at a rally for anti-gay crusader Rep. Marilyn Musgrave, author of the so-called Musgrave amendment that would block states' rights to legalize gay marriages or civil unions and herself an American cockroach (periplaneta americana).
At that rally, with the roaches and crickets swarming over His ancient leathery head and body, Yahweh firmly declared His support for Musgrave and "good decent mantids everywhere," vowing to "protect marriage and family, which are the foundations of our society."
Analysts suspect Yahweh is no longer in control of the host body--that, some time Monday night or early Tuesday morning, the Yahweh host was taken over by liberal minnows or guppies supporting President Lincoln. But of course all such speculations are premature; we will be posting hourly updates on this remarkable new development in the deity election. Check back often!