Thursday, October 14, 2004


You Don't Want To See This

And then the driver sees something he knows he'll never be able to forget.

Underneath Bill O'Reilly's bloodied chest, something starts to thump and prod. It looks a little like a cartoon character's heart beating out of his chest when he sees the girl of his dreams. Except, of course, that this chest is slashed to gory ribbons.

Then the thing pokes through. It seems to be a long green arm, bent almost double in the middle, like a half-closed switchblade. It's spiny and serrated, and it begins to cut a larger hole. Then a second green arm emerges, grabs the leather seat, and starts to push and pull until finally an ugly green fly head pops out. It swivels around till it sees the driver.

"Back off," it says in Bill O'Reilly's famous voice. "You don't want to see this."

The driver backs off, but can't take his eyes off the emergence out of Bill O'Reilly's hacked-up corpse of what appears to be a six-foot praying mantis.

By the time the mantid is out on the sidewalk, the driver is cowering behind a tree. The mantid peers through the branches.

"You didn't see this," it says to him. "This isn't happening."

And it stalks down the street on its long legs.

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