Tuesday, September 14, 2004
The Zero Year Phenomenon
Dear Mullah Billdoug,
It's too soon to be sure, but my department's nine Creationist Chronometers have begun to show the first minuscule but still unmistakable and (it goes without saying) quite exciting signs that, some time yesterday afternoon, time may have temporarily stopped.
Now--lest you assume this might mean that all temporal activity should have (and obviously has not!) ceased--let me clarify that the time stoppage seems to be purely a Chronometrical Event. By this I mean that it is a spiritual or virtual phenomenon, one related not to the actual flow of time but to its measurement--one that is uncannily parallel, in fact, to the Zero Year phenomenon last recorded at the birth of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
At that precise moment 2004-plus-zero years ago, as I'm sure you're aware, the measurement of time stopped, to celebrate the Holy Birth, for one full calendar year. Time passed; but the day remained Sunday, the date remained the 0th day of the 0th month of the Year Zero. It was, in essence, a year of Sundays; one long Sabbath, during which all the world gave thanks to Our God.
If my measurements are correct--and of course one of the consequences of the Zero Year phenomenon is inevitably the wild unreliability of all measurements, but in this case that unreliability is mitigated considerably by incessant prayer--with the performance in heaven of the forbidden experiment, we have entered into a new Zero Year.
If this is the case, of course, we should expect still more portents in the heavens and other divine weather: frozen poultry rain, fish-stick rain, Bible-verse hail, sundogs, pseudo-rapturous updrafts, and giant collection plates in the clouds.
Yours in God's Own Time,
Xero Moshpath, Ph.D.
Professor of Creationist Chronometrics
George W. Bush University, On-Line Campus