Sunday, October 10, 2004



Edibles Incorporated, how may I help you?

I, uh--I wanted to ask about your edible exercise equipment.

Yes sir! What sort of equipment did you have in mind?

I don’t know, actually. I’m not sure what all you carry.

Perhaps you’d be interested in our edible free weights, or our multipurpose edible weight station? Folds right up and slides under your bed when you’re not using it.

No, you know, I just don’t get all that hungry when I pump iron. Or pump--what, beef jerky? Ha ha.

Turkey jerky, sir. It’s healthier than beef!

Oh, right. Of course. So is all of your exercise equipment made out of turkey jerky?

Yes sir! Indeed it is, sir! We have the Turkey Jerky Thigh-Master™, the Turkey Jerky Rowing Machine™, the Turkey Jerky Stair-Master™, the Turkey Jerky Treadmill™--shall I keep going?

Well, I do have one question.

Yes sir?

How does--eating the equipment affect its structural integrity? I mean, I can see taking a bite out of a Turkey Jerky Dumbbell™: it would just weigh less, right? But what if I took a bite out of a Turkey Jerky Thigh-Master™. What if I was really hungry, and took two or three. The next time I did thirty reps it might snap in two!

Oh, no, sir. Absolutely not! Our engineers have developed a special Neanderfemur™ foam-cell megacompression system that makes our turkey jerky equipment flavorful and easy to chew but feather-light and rock-solid right down to the last bite. You won’t be disappointed, I can assure you! And it’s guaranteed!

Really? You guarantee that your equipment will retain structural integrity down to the last bite?

100% guaranteed, sir. Plus, with a minimum purchase of $100, we’ll throw in absolutely free a ten-pack of Jerk-on-a-Rope™.


Yes sir. You’ll never have to bend down for a snack in the shower again! This month we’re featuring celebrity-head Jerk-on-a-Ropes. In a ten-pack you’ll get one Mother Teresa, one Marilyn Manson, one Clint Eastwood, one George W. Bush, one Saddam Hussein, one Larry King, one Elizabeth Taylor, one Michael Jackson, one Morgan Freeman, and one Queen Elizabeth.

Wow. Is it possible to, um, swap any of those out?


If I wanted, say, ten George W. Bushes?

I’m sure that could be arranged, sir. Would you like to place an order today, then, sir?


Wonderful, sir. And which item or items would you like to purchase?

I'll take the Turkey Jerky Thigh-Master™, please. And ten George W. Bush Jerks-on-a-Rope™.

Perfect, sir. Can I get a name and address, please?

Hermes Trismegistus, Mount Olympus, Greece.

Oh, Mr. Trismegistus, I'm very sorry, but we don't deliver outside of the 48 contiguous states.

Very well. I'll just have to come pick it up in person, then.

Wonderful, sir. Do you know where we're located?

No, but I'll find you. Will you be open for another ten seconds?

Ten--why, yes, sir. Of course. But--

See you then.

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