Monday, October 04, 2004
Eruption Causes Dispute, Uncovers History
(Portland, SNC) Mt. St. Helens erupted again today, sending a cloud of ash and smoke high into the azure sky over the Northwest. Remarkably, no Christians were killed or injured in this most recent explosion, and creation scientists credit “new Scriptural techniques” that they have discovered with the successful prediction and evacuation.
“We are amazed at how accurate the numerological readings of Leviticus 2, 3-19, were,” said Dr. Hiram Glink of the College of the Holy Prepuce in Seattle. “Simply shifting the Hebrew to numbers, translating these numbers into Pig Latin, and then into a time stated in hours and minutes, as suggested by Our Lord, allowed us to predict the time of the eruption within ten seconds of its actual occurrence. As a result, the lives of over one hundred fine Christian people were saved. Praise God!”
Heathen scientists dispute these findings, however, noting that the time predicted by Dr. Glink was 1347:90:67532. “What the hell kind of time is that?” asks Dr. Philene Chondrix of the USGS. “The only reason those people got out before it blew was because Glink and his followers ran into the church camp they were attending screaming, ‘Run! Run away! The apocalypse is nigh!’ Scared the hell out the poor people, and they got onto a bus and left. Unfortunately, a secular humanist camp for brain-injured children not seven miles from Camp Blessing was completely wiped out.”
More remarkable than the creation science fallout of this eruption, though, is the aftermath for archaeologists. The eruption has apparently uncovered an ancient temple complex dedicated to the gods of Olympus.
“Yes, there is a temple of Zeus, of course, and lesser temples to Aphrodite and Poseidon. We also believe we have found an initiation complex for followers of Dionysius. It is quite remarkable—nothing like it has been seen in America, only in Greece,” said Professor Emeraud Pasclovich, of the University of Moldavia. “I am so lucky to have been on vacation in America when this happened.”
Asked about its significance to the history of ancient America, Pasclovich would only say that “I hope it spawns a new religion in America, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in over 5,000 years. This will be a rival to Mormonism.”