Thursday, September 23, 2004
I had to leave the shop in a hurry, so I’m scrawling this note to you on the run. Yeah, I’m on the lam. Last night somebody broke into the shop. Came in through the bathroom window, and I think they were protected by a silver spoon. All I saw was a shadow in the moonlight, though, kind of catlike. Maybe a giant cat. Can’t be sure. Then, there was a scuffle. I heard a yelp and a meow, and then, Who sent you? No shit? I caught a glimpse of a forked tail, heard the scratching of claws, smell of sulphur. If I hadn’t slept with the prepuce safely in this bag around my neck, they probably would already have it. I was supposed to close on the deal tomorrow—that weird guy from Texas, the exterminator, was willing to pay $120,000 for it. But, now… I don’t know. I went out the window of my little room in back of the shop just in time, I think. On the run since. Rats and cockroaches have been following me through the city, as I’m trying to find a place to hide until daylight. The vermin track me, I think. Report to the burglars. I think there are still two of them chasing me, but maybe not. I heard a sound like a cat being skinned awhile back, so maybe that one is dead. The other one reeks of sulphur, and I keep smelling it even now. I’m sure that one’s close. I’m taking the prepuce and its bag and putting it behind this hollow brick in this alley, here. It’s at Fifth and Elm, the west wall of the Republican Party Headquarters downtown right now. Used to be an abortion clinic, I think. Anyway, if I don’t return, that’s where it is. Fifth brick up, fifteenth from the street. In the alley. If you get this, and find the prepuce, don’t throw away the bag! It’s actually the Holy Scrotum of St. Andrew, and is said to possess magical powers. It may be the only reason I’ve survived this long. I will send this note via my last carrier pigeon. If I don’t see you again, I’ll remember all the good times chasing holy genital relics from Zanzibar to Zurich. If you get this and I am still alive, I will meet you at the Mocha Deelite as soon as they open. You’re buying. Dress casually, no robes. Watch your back.