Saturday, November 06, 2004
Red, Bug-Bitten Figures Emerge from the White House
The throng outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue buzzes with excitement. George Bush arrives back today! His helicopter should be along any minute! Bush supporters in the tens of thousands sip the magic Kool-Aid the old/new administration is distributing free and wait for their Strong Leader to arrive.
Cleaning crews have been working around the clock, getting the White House ready for Bush to assume his second term as President. They removed four and a half tons of dead bugs, a ton and a half of dead fish, and untold quantities of bug juice and fish slime. All the carpets had to be torn up and replaced. All the drapes and other fabrics had to be dry-cleaned four times. It's been a Herculean effort. But it's all worth it: it's for God's Chosen One, George Bush.
In the distance the crowd hears the helicopter rotors. He's coming. Everyone scans the sky, hoping to be the first to spot the President's chopper.
And so it is that no one notices a few bedraggled figures emerging from the White House: a tall man with glasses; a small sprightly man with a turban; and--
"Omigod," someone cries, "look: it's Cher!"
The crowd turns to follow the pointer's finger.
"It is Cher! Cher, over here! Come over here!" the crowd cries.
The three figures are just barely animate. It is as if they have awakened from some long torpor. They stagger and stumble. Their backs are bent, as if with great age. And their exposed skin is red with bug bites.
Now the Secret Service spots them, and hustles them into a waiting Black Maria. As they climb up into the van, the diminutive man in the turban stops, turns toward the crowd, and makes an obscene gesture with his right middle finger.
"Oh my goodness," one elderly Bush supporter says, sipping her magic Kool-Aid. "He must have been a liberal."
"That was Mullah Billdoug," a man says authoritatively. "One of the most notorious bug-hating liberals in the Lincoln administration. And the tall man with him--well, that must have been Lincoln's Literary Critic, Doug Robinson."
"Ohhh," the elderly woman sighs, and sips from her cup again. "You know," she says, "I never really liked Kool-Aid before. It was just something easy to make my kids. But this stuff is good!"
They all watch as the Black Maria drives off. And then, the main event: the President's chopper has arrived ...