Wednesday, October 13, 2004


In the Carlton Sherwood Hotel

DeLay staggers down the street, stealing honor as he goes, deciding to buy a newspaper and then--changing his mind. "I decided to buy that paper and then I decided not to," he thinks. "What's up with that?"

He lurches into a nearby Carlton Sherwood hotel. A mantid Moonie at the door tries to stop him, but DeLay walks right through the outstretched arm. Mantids and scarab beetles swarm over him; the liberal roaches inside him blog frantically in response. Seething and boiling coleopterically, he practically falls on a potted ficus, pulls out a clicking and buzzing penis, and pees bug juice all over its trunk.

Two Moonie security guards with long green serrated spiny arms and double wings step up and lock onto DeLay's arms. He throws them off and grabs a mantid nymph from her parents.

"I'll eat this baby!" he growls.

"Calm down," one of the security guards says. "What do you want? What are you doing here? This is a holy place owned by the Unification Church. We are a peace-loving people. Do not harm the girl or you and your liberal friends will regret it for a very very long time."

"I don't want to harm the girl," DeLay says. "Just tell me where Hermes is hiding and I'll let her go."

"We, uh," the second security guard says, "we don't know."

"All right, then," DeLay says, and leans in to bite the young mantid's tiny fly-like head off.

"Okay, okay, we'll tell you! Just don't hurt the nymph!"

DeLay drags the whimpering nymph over to the front door.

"Tell me and I'll let her go."

"He's gotten himself appointed Registrar at the Electoral College," the first security guard says. "He's changed the name to Hermectoral College, and he's going to make damn sure you collectivist liberals never abolish it. It's down on D Street."

"I know where it is," DeLay says.

"We've told you what you wanted to know," the second guard says. "Now let the girl go."

DeLay gives the girl a push and dashes out through the door.

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