Thursday, October 21, 2004


The New Republican Party Theme Song

"Hey, Laura," George says, back at the ranch, retired to Crawford a few months early. "Come over here."

"I'm busy," Laura says. "I'm teaching Jenna to read. No, Jenna, no more nose candy. No! You may not snort coke off your sister's exposed breast! It isn't Christian!"

"Laura," George says, more insistently, "come here!"

"Oh all right," Laura grumbles, but then puts on a big Christian smile for her husband that she has vowed before God to honor and cherish till death do them part even if they haven't had sex in over a decade and are unlikely ever to again at this rate. "What?"

"Look through the telescope there," George says.

"Please," Laura rolls her eyes. "Not another cow going poop. I don't have time for your games, George. Go find a comic book or something, why don't you."

"Just look!"

Laura groans, but bends her eyes to the eyepiece. She starts back, then looks again.

"See?" George smirks.

"Who are all those people on the highway?" Laura says. "And bugs?"

"That's exactly what I wanted to know!" George says.

"Well turn on the security system," Laura snaps. "Maybe we can hear them."

"Oh, right," George says. He fiddles with the buttons for a moment, but gives up. "I can never make this dang thing work," he says. "You do it."

"Ohhh!" Laura says, but goes and turns on the sound. What they hear is a lot of buzzing, but also what seems to be a song from The Wizard of Oz. Only some of the words seem to have been changed:

I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the coach ...
And my head I'd be scratchin' while my eggs were busy hatchin'
If I only had a roach ...

I'd unravel every riddle for any individdle
Conservative approach ...
With the thoughts I'd be thinkin' I could kill another Lincoln
If I only had a roach ...

Oh, I could tell you why the ocean's near the shore.
I could swarm of things I never swarmed before.
And then I'd sit, and swarm some more.

I would not be just a nothin', my head all full of stuffin'
My heart a robot goat ...
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry,
If I only had a roach ...

"My God, Laura," George says, training binoculars on the March while Laura hogs the telescope, "do you recognize it? It's the Republican Party theme song! Karl was telling me about it! That's them! That's the Million Mantid March! They started without me, can you believe it? Without me! Let's go join in! They're heading to Washington to take my presidency back! We should be with them!"

"Let's not rush into this," Laura says, her eye still to the eyepiece. "Jerry Falwell just chopped down Karl Rove with a machete. And all the bugs cheered."

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