Saturday, October 16, 2004


The Praying Mantis Factor

"I don't give a flying fuck what the lawyers say," O'Reilly snaps, flapping his double wings angrily. "I'm going on. And I want you to get that goddamn little murderous dildo Karl Rove in here, and Tom DeLay, and Hermes over at Hermectoral College. I'll lambaste the whole fucking lot of them! And Andrea fucking Makris, too, goddamn it! Where the fuck is she? I'll tear her fucking head off and eat it for breakfast!"

Nobody says a word. He looks around at the shock and horror on their faces. Fox News CEO Roger Ailes looks like he's swallowed his own dick. His senior producer Amy Sohnen is white as a ghost. Peter Zorich, his producer, is examining his fingernails, as if casually, but seems to be hyperventilating. All the associate producers, Kristine Kotta, Kristin Lazure, Shanna Goldner, Nate Fredman, and Makeda Wubneh--and where IS that treacherous lying little big-boobed bitch Andrea Makris?--cower behind Ailes and Sohnen.

"What," he says. "Why won't anybody talk to me on this? Is my fly open?"

He looks down, humorously--but what he sees down there reminds him what they're seeing.

"Oh, I get it. Just because I'm really a praying mantis from outer space, you think I shouldn't go on. Is that it? Is that where we're going with this? I'm the same guy I was before that fucking Karl Rove dildo ripped my host body to shreds. I'm still the same conservative watchdog. I've still got the same family values I had before. I still believe we should eviscerate the Iraqis and bite off the liberals' heads. Come on, people. Don't let appearances get in the way of good conservative talk TV!"

"Face it, Bill," Roger says--"uh, if you really are Bill. People have always been afraid of you. We put you on looking like this, they're gonna run in terror."

"Let em run!" O'Reilly hollers. "The goddamn traitorous liberals! What, are you going soft on me too, Roger? Get Murdoch in here. He isn't fucking scared of me. He knows I earn this network $60 million a year, just by putting the fear of Jesus in my opponents!"

"But Bill," Amy says, "you're a praying mantis."

"So what if I am?" O'Reilly snaps. "Praying mantises PRAY. Are you saying you're opposed to prayer? Hm, Amy? Is that what you're telling me? Our President prays. Do you hate him too? Maybe you hate America, Amy--is that it? Maybe you've got no business working on my show. Roger, do we really want a senior producer who hates America? Amy, you're fired."

"Amy," Roger says testily, "you aren't fired. Bill, calm down."

"I won't calm down!" O'Reilly shouts, his switchblade arms opening and closing spasmodically. "Praying mantises are highly valued in many cultures. Did you know that? Did any of you know that? It is believed that we can cure bedwetting, impotence, cowardice, and a desire to vote for John Kerry! The name mantis itself comes from the Greek word mantes, meaning prophet! A prophet that prays! That's me, you liberal quislings! That's me!"

"Come on, Bill," Roger says, "be reasonable."

"Look," O'Reilly says, suddenly calm. "Here's the bottom line. I am under contract. That's the legal fact here. Got that? I go on or I sue Fox News for big money--for the kind of big money that I earn for this network, and will go on earning if you just put me on camera. Are you reading me here?"

"Uh--" Roger says.

"Good. Girls, book Tom DeLay or Karl Rove. Either or both. And if you do manage to get Karl Rove, I want a fucking cock ring around that motherfucker's arms. He ain't gonna slice this body up on national television!"

"Uh, yes sir," Makeda says.

"All right, all right," Ailes says. "You can go on. But can I make one suggestion?"

"What's that," O'Reilly growls.

"Can we change the name of the show to The Praying Mantis Factor?"

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