Thursday, November 11, 2004
Greta Van Susteren Interviews the Real Jesus
"Welcome to On the Record With Greta Van Susteren. I'm your host Greta Van Susteren, and I've got a special treat for all our loyal Fox News home viewers. There has been some controversy over the true identity of a man calling himself Jesus Christ who has been appearing on the communist propaganda radio station Air America. Here to set the record straight, a total surprise to my staff and myself, is a man I've loved and admired since my youth, the Messiah, Jesus Christ. Welcome to the program, My Lord."
"Thank you, Greta. You can just call Me Jesus."
"Well, Jesus, why don't You tell us, once and for all: are You a liberal?"
Jesus laughs. "Of course not, Greta. And the poor lost soul who's been posing as a liberal Me will find out when he comes to his eternal 'reward' just how costly an imposture it's been for him."
"So when liberal Christians--if that isn't an oxymoron, ha ha!--start quoting all that blather about 'turn the other cheek' and 'forgive your brother seventy times seven times' and so on, what do You want to say to them?"
"I want to say grow up. Life isn't fair. Get off your duff and put your nose to the grindstone, and stop whining about forgiveness. Penitence is just a way of making excuses, and I hate excuses."
"So when liberals say You're all about brotherly love, they're basically misquoting You, out of a woeful ignorance of the Bible?"
"Well, brotherly love can be a beautiful thing, Greta, if it's based on earned respect and an intolerance for weakness. But if by brotherly love you mean whining and puling about mercy rather than justice, well--you're right, that sort of liberal spinelessness was never what I was about."
"You aren't going to be soft and kind and loving and merciful on the Judgment Day, is what You're telling me, right?"
"That's absolutely right. As I said during my earthly mission, I'm here to bring not peace but a sword."
"So You would categorically deny any liberal propaganda calling you a pacifist?"
"Ha ha! Pacifist! That's a good one. I say go after God's enemies with all the firepower you've got. The only true pacifism in My book is, you pacify the natives with the big guns, and then move on to the next trouble spot and pacify them too."
"So what would Your solution to the conflict in Iraq be?"
"Kill em all, let God sort em out."
"And the next trouble spot would be, what--Iran?"
"Yes indeed. I've been talking to President Bush about this very issue, in fact. I think his task during his second term will be to kill all the Muslim insurgents and convert the Middle East and northern Africa to Christianity."
"Convert them? That could take forever!"
"Not if he does it with the threat of nuclear annihilation."
"No, that's quite true. Now if I could change the subject, here--"
"Could we talk about social issues for a while?"
"You mean sexuality? Rampant sexual immorality? Teen pregnancy, abortion, homosexuality, and other cardinal sins?"
Greta nods, encourages Jesus to start there, and Jesus does, but as He speaks, something very strange begins to happen. Greta begins to feel very warm ... down there. The warmth spreads slowly and deliciously up from her ... private female parts into her lower belly, and then up to her breasts and chest. The heat seems to be coming from--Jesus Himself, if that's possible. As He talks, His right forefinger is out, pointed at her, moving up her body. Could it be--? She has loved this man all her life, but not like this ...
"So that's why," Jesus is saying, "I think it's imperative that we reestablish the death-by-stoning penalty for morality crimes like adultery, prostitution, and sodomy ..."
But Greta can't do it any more. She can't concentrate. She sees Jesus' eyes on her--worried? No, more like--gleaming ...
"Sorry to interrupt, Jesus," she manages to gasp, "but we're going to have to come to gomercial, I mean go to commercial ..."
A voice in her ear tells her she's off, and then, ten seconds later, she does indeed get off. Almost had this orgasm on national television. What would that have done to her career? She's never been a screamer, has always insisted that sex be conducted in absolute silence. She and her husband John have had long practice in suppressing all outward signs of orgasm, and that practice comes in handy now.
But it isn't over. It isn't like any ordinary orgasm. The thing keeps building. Pretty soon she's tearing at her clothes. The heat is in her head, now. It's like her head is exploding with a million mystical cockroaches.
And then, as her eyeballs burst like sun-ripened grapes and every hair on her head shrieks to attention, Greta lets out an unearthly howl and topples over unconscious.
"My God," her producer cries, rushing into the studio. "Somebody call a doctor!"
"No need," Jesus says with a beatific smile. He spits into His left palm, stirs the sputum with His right forefinger, and rubs the mixture into Greta's eyes. They are of course instantly restored to normalcy. Well, near enough. It will be some time before anyone notices that Greta's left eye is now green, her right, yellow.
Jesus then lays His hands on Greta's chest, belly, and upper thighs, and knees, then sinks back into His own chair. Her eyes flicker, then open. She sits up. She feels fine. Her hair is perfectly coiffed.
"What just happened?" she asks Jesus.
"You had some kind of seizure," Jesus says.
"And You healed me," she says raptly.
"Well," Jesus says modestly, "it's all in a day's work."
"Greta," her producer says, "you look--different."
"What do you mean, different," Greta says. "Good different, or bad different?"
"I don't know," the producer says. "Just--different. Are your eyes okay?"
"My eyes are fine, why?" Greta says.
"I, uh," the producer says, but runs out of ideas. "You sure you're okay to go back on?"
"Of course, of course," Greta says in her signature sardonic curled-lip rasp. "What do you take me for, a liberal?"
"Okay," the producer shrugs, stepping out of shot, "ten seconds."
And as they smile for the cameras, Jesus thinks: God damn but this suit works cherry.