Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Bill Kaul Senselessly Slain at RNC
It was a sad day for the Mullah Billdoug today.
Professor Emil Wilhelm "Bill" Kaul, the Mullah's long-time friend and spiritual advisor, who was recently appointed to a coveted professorship in the newly created Department of Transition Studies at the Canter and Lope de Vega campus of the University of Tierra del Fuego, was cut down in his prime on the floor of the Republican National Convention in New York City.
Eyewitnesses to the slaying told police that the goat Professor Kaul was herding suddenly "went berserk," leaping across four or five rich middle-aged white guys to sink his teeth into Kaul's bared throat. Kaul died gurgling something in German that sounded like "Worüber man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muss man schweigen."
Police sources refuse to release an English translation of Kaul's last words, saying only "Sorry, there's nothing that can be said about any of that."
Preliminary police reports have found that the "goat," tracked down and captured by crack RNC security guards, was not a goat at all but some sort of highly evolved murder mechanism from the future, apparently sent back in time to take out Professor Kaul.
Dean Bernardo T. Wockle of the College of Transition Studies at Tierra del Fuego refused to comment on possible transition-related research Professor Kaul might have engaged in that could have provoked the time-travel attack. But unnamed sources close to the dean hinted that it had something to do with cheese.
The Mullah Billdoug plans to attend the nondemoniational memorial service planned for Professor Kaul on the weekend, then travel ahead in time to capture and spin the miscreant responsible for the dastardly murder.