Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Mud is Slung and Reslung
(Columbus, OH) (MNS) Seeking to turn His conservative base back to His camp, now reported to be defecting heavily in favor of Jesus, Yahweh today made some startling allegations against His Son during a rally at the First Church of the Smoking Hell today here in Columbus. Ohio is widely regarded as an important state for Yahweh to win in the global elections for Ruler of Heaven and Earth.
“Jesus says He remains firmly against gay marriage, but I ask you to consider this. Has He ever been married? Has He ever had a girlfriend? Does He even hang out with girls? No, no and no. His only companions have been twelve guys in robes. Sound hetero to you? I didn’t think so!” Yahweh thundered to the crowd, who sat in stunned silence. “By coming out in favor of gay marriage, I am merely trying to make it possible for the poor kid to finally settle down with a partner He can really love, if you know what I mean.”
Yahweh travels this afternoon to Paris and Madrid for campaign stops.
With France and Spain in a state of uproar over the disintegration of the Holy Trinity, these nations are also now regarded widely as up for grabs. Visiting Lourdes, France, last week, Mary lashed out at allegations against her by Allah, made during His visit to the Alhambra last Monday.
“He says that a female can’t run Heaven and Earth. That’s what He says. Well, I got news for You, camel bait, this girl is ready to go the distance! And it’s odd, isn’t it, that You, Mr. Allah, seem so afraid of women. What have you got to hide? Could it be that the rumors about your Mother are true?”
A spokesperson for Allah replied shortly after, noting that “The All-Merciful, in His Infinite Grace, has no Mother, and is certainly not afraid of women. He is merely concerned that certain decisions could be made by Mary during Her menses, that might, well, be ill-informed. Such things are not unheard of in history.”