Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Jesus Inconsistencies Threaten to Undermine Role; May Resign as Savior
Jesus, appearing as a neatly-dressed pundit on the O’Reilly Factor, today admitted that he has, at various times, been different things to different people. O’Reilly, accusing him of a shady past and lying, called for Jesus to resign as savior. Here’s a transcript we found at Faux News:
OR: Are you sure you’re really Jesus? I mean, he’s usually wearing robes and has long hair and a neat beard, and you, you look kind of like, well, me.
J: A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, a friend of mine once said. I feel that my role as savior can best be carried out by my ability to appear different to people at different times, or, hell, even simultaneously. I mean, look, if I’d appeared to the apostles like this after the resurrection, they’d have bolted. Similarly, if I showed up at church tomorrow in robes and sandals with long hair and a beard, the congregation would throw me out.
OR: But didn’t you promise that you would be steadfast and unchanging? How can you be steadfast and unchanging if you’re never the same?
J: I never said that.
OR: Yes, you did. I have right here a quote from a former apostle, who…
J: Lies. Just lies. I never said anything like that.
OR: This apostle says he served on a boat with one of your apostles in Galilee, and that you said…
J: I never said I wouldn’t look different. You know, keep up with the times. When did I ever say anything about not changing fashions, ages, stuff?
OR: What about these stories regarding you and Mohammed being wild and rebellious kids?
J: Youthful indiscretions. I changed after I was born unto a virgin.
OR: Oh, really? How do we know you aren’t stoned right now?
J: You want me to pee in a jar? Fine, I’ll pee in a jar. Gimme a jar!
OR: But if you were once a doper and you were once friends with Mohammed, then how can you be a savior now? I mean, doesn’t that mean that the Muslims are right, too? And that you, then, aren’t the only path to salvation?
J: Talk like that can get you in hot water, O’Reilly. REAL hot water, if you get my drift.
OR: Are you threatening me, you fraud?
J: Fraud, huh? Fraud? OK, dad, this one just got crossed off the saved list. You hear that, dad?
OR: Shut up! Shut up!
J: And I’m not going to forgive you. So there.
OR: What! You should resign as savior right now! All these lies…
J: Don’t make me ask dad to let Satan mess with you. 'Cause I can do that.
OR: Gimme the mike! Alex, turn him off. Now.
J: Can’t turn me off, can’t turn me off. Nanny nanny boo boo!
OR: Shut up shut up shut up shut up