Saturday, November 06, 2004
Exit Poll Data Show Voter Confusion
Canton, OH (MBDBC) -- Analysis of exit poll data from last Tuesday's election shows that most voters had no idea why they voted for Sun Myung and Hak Ja Han Moon.
A clear majority of the voters in Tuesday's deity election--53%--voted for the Korean ma-and-pa deities; of those, only 13.5% had even the foggiest idea who the Moons were or what they stood for. Never mind the financing of a cocaine coup in Bolivia and the laundering of drug money; almost no one who voted for the Moons had a clue that the husband and wife team consider themselves God together--divine consorts--and that they call Jesus "the failed Messiah."
"These were good decent hard-working Christian people," Jesus said in a interview on Air America. "How could they vote for that mountebank and his evil mantids? Why didn't they vote for me?"
The explanations given by voters on their way out of polling places varied considerably:
- "I dunno, I liked the name. The sun and the moon. That's a good name for a God, don't you think?"
- "Frankly, I can't remember anything about it. I remember parking my car; it's right over there. But as for what happened inside, I couldn't tell you. It's all a big blank."
- "I read about the Moons in The Washington Times, which you know President Bush says is the most independent and objective paper in America. And they say good things about the President and his father, so they've got to be good God-fearing people."
- "You know, the funny thing is, I went in there to vote for Jesus. But after they gave me that cup of red Kool-Aid, it was the weirdest thing, I just changed my mind. Right there in the voting booth. I just thought, hey, I'm voting for the Moons."
Jesus Christ, erstwhile darling of the Christian Right, has been trying in vain to get a hearing for His suspicions ever since the election. None of the major media outlets will give Him a voice. As a result, He has been reduced to giving interviews to the liberal fringe, like Air America.
Air America cofounder and host Al Franken is only too happen to have the deposed Savior on his show, of course. "I'm a great admirer of Jesus Christ," Franken said. "I think He was a liberal way before His time."
Adding to Jesus's frustrations is the fact that Yahweh, Inc. (the corporation now representing the Holy Family, Yahweh, Mary, and Jesus) now has a new spokesperson, who some say is none other than Satan, the Fallen Angel Lucifer of Old Testament mythology.
"You can't trust anything he says," Jesus complained to Franken just yesterday on the show. "He's the Prince of Lies, and now he's got corporate backing, so basically he's untouchable."
A rumor is making the rounds that Jesus is collaborating with Michael Moore on the filmmaker's next documentary. The title: "Jesus, You're Fired!"