Friday, October 15, 2004


A Hat in the Ring

"Stop kidding. I'm busy.”

“No shit, really. All the stations are carrying it. Come on in here and look.”

He wasn’t kidding. Abraham Lincoln on the TV. Sitting on some sort of huge, red-eyed cow. Addressing an audience of amazed reporters and people off the street.

“I chose Ford’s Theater to make this announcement,” Honest Abe drawled, “because I see this as a rebirth, a new beginning, a fresh birth of liberty. Surely,” he gestured, holding his top hat, “you didn’t expect me to make this announcement at the Republican Convention? My good friend Jesus, here, who resurrected me and brought me here today,” another gesture, to a skinny young man in a white robe with a shiny halo standing on his right, “has convinced me that it is the right time to throw my hat in the ring. I know, I know—it’s only seventeen days until the election. I know I’m dead. I know that a lot of my ideas won’t be popular. But let me ask you this, America: who would you rather have as your president? Me, or some Johnny-come-lately boy no older than a good pickled herring?”

The crowd was cheering madly, shouting “We want Abe! We want Abe!”

“So what do you make of this? Could it be the real thing, or some kind of hoax?”

“How the fuck would I know?”

“You’re the National Security Advisor. Isn’t it your job to know this shit?”

“Buzz off, pal. I have other fish to fry.”

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