Thursday, September 02, 2004
Investigation Continues ... Robot Goats from the Future, or Dervishes?
This story just keeps getting stranger. Lately, there have been rumors circulated that the robot goat from the future that supposedly killed beloved RNC/Rapture reporter Bill Kaul was, in fact, not a robot at all, but a dervish in a goat suit. Certain “eyewitnesses” claim to have seen the dervish—supposedly an RNC or Yahweh operative—putting on the costume outside the convention hall, muttering darkly about “taking out that rat bastard” and “thinks he’s better than me” and “baaah.”
Kaul, as reported earlier, was thought slain on the floor of the RNC by a crazed goat. Prior to his death, though, Kaul was seen in the company of several dead philosophers talking about a "setup." Kaul’s whereabouts are unknown, but it is speculated that he was taken up to heaven following his death, as ticket stubs were found on the floor near where his body had been. Now it is being speculated that Kaul was, in fact, not killed, but taken alive and bodily to heaven and that the body found on the floor of the RNC was that of one Doug Robinson, who had been seen earlier wearing a Bill Kaul suit. Where that body has gone is unclear, but sources close to Robinson say that he has not been seen since the incident and they suspect the worst. “He said he was going to investigate whirlwinds,” a colleague said, “but next thing I hear, he’s at the RNC wearing a Bill Kaul costume. Now he’s nowhere to be found, and I hear Bill Kaul has been sighted in a sleazy bar in Holbrook, Arizona, watching RNC coverage and baseball games with Cowboys and Indians.”
However, regardless of who was actually killed, these reports of assassin dervishes in goat suits are completely unfounded, sources close to the investigation report. “Robot goats from the future are a well-known phenomenon,” notes Dr. Ron Ballus, Professor of Christian Robotics at Bob Jones University. “They are mentioned in the early writings of Jerome: ‘beware the goat of tin that cometh by night to bite into the flesh of the drunkard’ and ‘the goat with wondrous works inside that slayeth the sinner’ are but two examples. Augustine, and more recently, Falwell, report that robot goats are often used by both Satan and Our Blessed Lord to carry out assassinations here on earth. Falwell said it best in a recent sermon: ‘These liberal gay-loving namby-pambys had better watch their throats aren’t ripped out by the robot goats of God’ was how he put it. I think it’s pretty clear that Kaul was killed by a robot goat from the future. As you know, in the future there will be the tribulation, and robot goats will be everywhere. And if it wasn't Kaul that was killed, but Robinson, so much to the better, as far as we are concerned here at BJU. That man was a menace to solid Christian logic.”
Others disagree with the robot theory, noting that there are verified reports of assassin dervishes dressed in goat suits raining out of the sky and wreaking havoc, especially after a convergence of storm fronts. “Over a thousand rained down on Bainesville, Georgia, after Hurricane Floyd bumped into Hurricane Barney,” says local rapture scientist and weatherman Randy Stutz. “Killed everyone on the town square. Just ripped out their throats with their nasty yellow teeth, then took off their goat suits and ran away. Robots goats from God, my ass. Satan is the one with the goats and the dervishes.”
We will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Then, after a while, we will fold it up hurriedly like a used road map, stuff it in the glovebox of our ’87 Toyota, and quietly leave town.