Thursday, September 09, 2004


Ann Coulter Goes To Heaven

"So I says to that pompous ass O'Reilly, I says," little baby Jesus is saying, holding Mary's breast to one side, a thin rivulet of milk dribbling out of the left corner of his mouth, "'you can't turn me off, because I'm Jesus Christ, God's only begotten Son!' You should have seen the look on his big fat red face then! I thought he was going to burst an artery in that pea-brain of his!"

It's the fourth time he's telling the story. Everybody around the grill is smiling forced smiles, trying not to roll their eyes. Even the milk has stopped spurting out of the trinitarian holes in Mary's nipple.

Then the Mullah starts talking to me again, from inside my head.

Doug? You there?

Uh, I think, I can't really talk right now.

Okay, he says. Just listen. Ann Coulter got whacked today. She should be appearing up there any minute now. I think Karl Rove's behind this. Coulter is his spy in the forbidden experiment plot. He sent her up there to lean on Olivia and foment a fascist coup in heaven. So here's what I want you to do: if you see Coulter, don't think about Olivia Dunktert. Got that? Just make your mind a blank. Jedi mind trick. Okay? Nod if you got all that.

I nod.

Good, he says. I'll be in touch.

And he's gone.

"So then," Jesus is saying, "so then this Nazi lawyer Ann Coulter comes after Me! Can you believe it? After Me!"

"Right, well," Yahweh says, suppressing a burp, "more chicken, anybody?"

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