Thursday, September 16, 2004


The First Year Zero: War in Heaven

"And there was war in heaven . . . and the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him."

Satan turned on the atomic clock and energized the synchronized quartz resonators. It would be necessary to detect the time control organ, if indeed he had one. But the top scientists said in that article that everyone has one. And if one was in him, and working, then it would be possible to travel back to the time before the war in heaven, before Yahweh made hundreds of excuses for invading Satan’s neighborhood, and then went ahead without even a nod from the Board of Karmic Adjusters, before he had been toppled and thrown from his lawn chair down into hell.

Ugh, Satan remembered, the falling. It was like a dream, the fall. Only, when I hit the bottom, I felt awake, and I was twitching, shaking. What was it like?

I plunged down like a stone. It was a horrible moment to experience. I was trying to catch something on my way down, but I could not. As far as I can remember, I hit the ground and woke up instantly. I was covered with sweat all over.

Then I slept, Satan recalled. I slept like a stone. Yahweh thought I was dead. But I was just in what’s known as a “lethargic sleep.”

The Guinness Book of World Records claims the longest lethargic sleep brought on by stress was that of Nadezhda Lebedina, who was in one for 20 years, after an argument with her husband. Ha! She is a piker, compared to me, Satan thought. I must have been in one for 30 centuries!

Oh, and how I have waited for revenge. Putting the right people in the right places, setting up genetic chains that reach from the pharaohs in chariots to modern presidents in business suits. Plotting the DNA of their advisors. The Manchurian Candidate. Phooey! The Satan Candidate. Ha, ha.

Yes, look. The time control organ is resonating. I can feel it, and the atomic clock shows a slight backward movement.

Satan replayed the images from so long ago, when he sat unbelieving in front of the television, watching Heaven 4 as Yahweh made outrageous claims about his neighborhood. “I won’t wait for mushroom clouds filled with demons to come up from Satan’s Southside Ranchero. We must take action, now.” Yahweh was even wearing that silly cowboy hat.

And it had all started with that energy deal that Satan had made with Yahweh’s dad…god, those had been good times. Until it all went bad.

That had been the first year zero. Then there had been the second year zero. Soon, the revenge, darkness and war return to heaven.

<< Home