Saturday, September 11, 2004
The Times-Clarion (Local Edition)
STRANGE WEATHER CONTINUES; Local Pastor Predicts Imminent Return of the Lord
(Bainesville, GA) It was a long Saturday in Bainesville, Georgia, as the small town, still recovering from the now-infamous "goat incident," experienced yet another spate of odd and dangerous weather.
"It began with that cloud," says Randy Stutz, a local weatherman, now recovering from eye injuries sustained in the storm. "The cloud came from over near Randall's Pond. Ernie Poole and Jake Turnipseed came into the Friday evening prayer meeting smelling like beer and claiming a cloud had landed on them while they were fishing. Said the cloud drank all their beer and went on and on about some conspiracy regarding something called the forbidden experiment. We thought they were just nuts, but now I'm not so sure..."
Through bandaged eyes, Stutz recalls how he heard a commotion in the street and looked out of his office on the third floor of the bank. He says he looked up and saw a "funny cloud, sort of wandering around like it was drunk," and then "it let loose with this blast of beer pee everywhere." Doctors said that the substance, which may indeed have been urine from beer, was acidic enough to burn Stutz's corneas. Stutz added that the cloud was groaning a little as it approached, and after it let loose, that it seemed to say "Eyes worry." What this means, Stutz doesn't know.
Several other townspeople, going about their business, were also trapped in the storm as it hit so suddenly. Mrs. Kinnaman, the beauty shop owner, said her poodle was swept away down a storm drain and that she only narrowly escaped by dodging into a doorway. Readers will recall that Mrs. Kinnaman's husband, Hank, was one of those killed in last month's "death goats from the sky" incident, also still under investigation. "That's why I always carry an umbrella," she avers.
"We were caught by surprise," says town manager Herb Knotts. "Our sewer capacity isn't designed for something like that. The town now smells like a barroom toilet. Fortunately, the sewage treatment plant is currently way below capacity and we are sending perfume trucks out today. At least only a few people were injured. It would have been much worse if most of the townsfolk hadn't taken to carrying umbrellas after that goat thing."
The toll for residents on the east side of town would be much higher. A group of around 50 or 60 were gathered on the grounds for a church picnic at the Third Church of God in Jesus, and knew nothing of the extremely localized downtown storm. But they were about to find out. Less than two hours after the first storm, the cloud appeared again and rained tiny robotic mosquitoes on the group, which included Pastor Rance Marshall.
"My god, they were everywhere," he says. "and they had sharp little stingers, too. But they didn't suck blood out, no. They shot something in. Something bad. I don't know. We all went crazy for awhile, seeing things that weren't there, falling down, somehow ending up in a massive, well, sex orgy over there by the big elm tree. Ten members of our congregation just ran off into the woods after that and haven't been seen since. Sister Barnes just sits there, like that, playing an imaginary banjo. This is clearly the work of the devil, and a sign of Our Lord's imminent return from Heaven."
The last incident occurred at Bailey Cloversmith's farm, where he reported a sudden rain of "soggy women-thingies" came out of a "laughing cloud" and landed in a pile by his barn. Examination of the "women-thingies" shows that they were water-soaked tampons. Police are following up. The only clue so far is that the tampons were all manufactured by a firm called Jupiter Industries, of Daytona Beach, Florida.
The last person to report seeing the cloud was sewage plant worker Sam Heraldsen. "It came down and sucked up all the raw sewage from our settling pond. Then it flew off thataway, toward Valdosta, sorta making these gagging sounds and rocking back and forth like it was gonna puke. I'd reckon so! That sewage was straight from the toilets, completely raw. If I was in Valdosta, I'd stay indoors for awhile."
No explanation for this erratic cloud behavior has come from scientists or law enforcement yet. NOAA and the National Weather Service are reported to be looking into the matter, and an engineer from the Emory University School of Tiny Robots is said to be looking into the robotic mosquitoes and the poison they carry.
"We're working on it," is all that Special Agent Ralph Carrone of the ATF would say. "It's a very high priority for us."