Tuesday, September 14, 2004

 

It's Even Worse. MUCH Worse.


Yahweh’s on the cell phone now, yelling at the poor lady who usually sits alone at the Heaven Electric Company, doing nothing but eating potato chips and drinking diet coke.

“Whaddya mean, maybe I didn’t pay my bill? Are you nuts? There is no bill. This is heaven! And no, I haven’t seen any frozen poultry falling out of the sky! What’s that got to do with it, anyway? Oh, uh-huh. A sign that someone’s done the forbidden experiment, y’say? Whatever. Look, I don’t know from experiments, dammit, just flip a switch or something. What do we pay you for? Okay, so we don't pay you--hello? Hello?”

Yahweh looks at the cell phone. “She hung up. Can you believe it? She friggin hung up on me. Did the Holy Ghost find a flashlight yet?”

A loud thud, followed by another, and another, interrupted. “Ouch! Goddamit! Shit!” voices near the wall yelped. “I just got nailed by a frozen duck, I think.” “What’s this? Feels like a frozen turkey. Hit me right on the foot.”

“What’s all this mean, Yahweh? Allah? Wodin? Ba’al? What’s going on?”

“Maybe it’s the weather.”

“Get your hand out of my pocket, Ba’al.”

Thud. “Ow! Another frozen bird. Feels like a capon. Got me right on the ear.”

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Yeah, the weather. Blame the weather. You try careening around heaven getting poultry sucked up into your vortex, through your insides, and all the way to the top, where it freezes and then shoots out and rains down to the ground. Hope it didn’t hit anybody. Sucked up two houses, a bar, a grocery, a Zen garden and two drugstores and spit them out, too. I guess I woulda kept spinning through all eternity if it hadn’t been for those power lines.

Tripped right over them, and they snapped and sparks flew all over and then it went dark. And I thought a cloud couldn’t get electrocuted. That jolt dried me right up. Now I seem to be some sort of ball of electricity. Whadda they call it? Ball lightning. Saint Elmo’s fire. Why’d they name it after a cuddly little muppet? Ain’t nothing cuddly about me. I’m just sitting here. I must be somewhere near Yahweh’s place. I’m afraid to move.

Those power lines looked like they went all the way to hell. But why would power for heaven be generated in hell? Doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s not that kind of power.

I’ll just sit tight, here. Someone’ll find me.


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“Hey, what’s that light over there? Just sitting there.”

“Let’s go find out, Wodin.”

“What is it, you guys? Can you tell?”

“Wait, Thor’s picking it up. It’s kind of hot and tingly. Like a light bulb, only more.”

“It puts out a lot of light. No bigger than a basketball.”

“Hey! Put me down!”

“And it talks.”

“Wodin?”

“Yeah, Thor?”

“Home come he can glow, but I can’t get a lightning bolt up to save my ass?

“I don’t know.”

“Hey, Thor, bring him over here. I think I’ve found the fusebox.”

"Just leave me alone, fellas. Please?"




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