Saturday, October 16, 2004


Bug Spray

"I suppose you think you can just waltz in here with your devil-water-cow and your stinking fish and take over, huh, Lincoln?" O'Reilly starts off hot. "You make me sick. You hated America seven score years ago when that great American hero John Wilkes Booth put a bullet in your brain, you lying liberal, and you hate it just as much today, don't you? Of course you do: I can see it all over your smug liberal face. What are you doing smelling up my studio? Get this liberal slave-freer out of here! I won't have it!"

"You're looking a little green, O'Reilly," Lincoln says dryly. "What happened to you? Did you eat some--bad fish?"

"You sent that little dildo in to slice me up, didn't you? You're behind everything bad that's been happening to America lately. We thought you were dead and buried, but no, there you were all along, living at the bottom of some scummy pond in scummy Central Park, eating scum and plotting the scummy downfall of the greatest country on earth. You sent Karl Rove to kill me. You told Andrea Makris to invent some scurrilous story about me wanting to soap up her big freckly boobs in the shower in some five-star hotel in the Caribbean. You stuck that blowfish down the back of the President's suit coat and made all the traitorous liberal bloggers say that Karl Rove, that Fucky Chucky dildo, was whispering answers to him. Come on, admit it, you filthy liberal. You're the one smuggling fish and guns in to al-Sadr and al-Zarqawi, aren't you!"

"You love the President," Lincoln says.

"You're goddamned right I love the President!" O'Reilly retorts in high dudgeon. "I'm a patriotic American! I'm not like you liberals that go attacking the President every chance they get! I support my President!"

"You're no patriotic American, Bill," Lincoln says calmly. "You're a mantid invader. And Curious George is a Chimp Clone."

"Oh, great," O'Reilly sneers. "Call him names. Just because you love the terrorists so much, that doesn't mean you can come in here smearing the President of the Unit--"

"George Bush starts wars against foreigners," Lincoln says. "And if we reelect him he'll go on starting wars against foreigners. I'm the only American president ever to have started and won a war here at home. And if I'm elected November 2, I'll do it again."

"You'll--what?" O'Reilly looks around, wondering if everybody got this. "You'll start another civil war?"

"You bet," Lincoln says. "Against you."

"Ha!" O'Reilly guffaws. "Against me!"

"Against you and the other mantids that have been taking over this country, infiltrating key government posts, bankrupting the federal government, insinuating your police state laws into the law books, taking over multinational corporations, dumping your toxic effluvia into the world's waters and killing the fish. You're the real terrorists. You're the outlaws from outer space, and I'm going to hunt you all down till you're dead, dead, dead. Like this!"

And with that he pulls a family-size can of Raid out of his wet black coat and empties it into O'Reilly's face. O'Reilly gasps and gapes in disbelief, then begins twitching and buzzing and flailing his switchblade arms about.

Mantid millions watch in horror as Bill O'Reilly, insect hero from outer space, expires on his own talk-show table.

"Listen, America," Lincoln says, turning in his saddle to face the camera, which zooms in close. "Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and under a just God can not long retain it. Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us to the end dare to do our duty as we understand it. The probability that we may fall in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; it shall not deter me. In your hands, my dissatisfied fellow-countrymen, and not in mine, is the momentous issue of civil war. The Government will not assail you--unless you be mantids. You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors. You have no oath registered in heaven to destroy the Government, while I shall have the most solemn one to 'preserve, protect, and defend it'."

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