Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Dirty Business, Holy Politics Is
Signs defaced all over the world--one example from St. Paul
is especially egregious. (Mullah BD Times photo by Gilles dePerche)
(DWS, New York, October 26, 2004) The upcoming election of a new world deity has turned even uglier in recent weeks, with signs being defaced and blown up all over the world. Many of the signs have been scrawled with graffiti pertaining to fish, which has fueled speculation that the Elect Jesus movement is responsible, a charge Jesus campaign spokesperson Jerry Falwell denies.
"Outrageous! Simply outrageous!" he exclaims. "Many fringe groups use the fish as a symbol, and I can assure you that Our Lord and Savior would never allow His countenance to shine on such a sinful endeavor, especially pertaining to His Mom, even in a close race."
Critics, however, point out that Falwell himself has been charged with murder in the machete death of Karl Rove during the Million Mantid March, and that the Holy Prepuce is still missing from the campaign.
"I assure you, Jesus does not have the Holy Prepuce," Falwell asserts, "and even if He did, He would never use it for evil. The wages of sin is death. And that machete incident was an accident for which I have fully atoned."
"Falwell can't be trusted any farther than I can spit a punkin seed," says Wodin and Valhallan campaign director Johanney "Thor" Inqvist. "I've had Valhallans 4-evah stickers torn off my chariot while parked at a campaign rally, and I clearly saw a horde of tiny men in dark blue suits running away from the scene. Tracts saying 'Where will YOU spend eternity?' were found behind them. Piles of reeking wolf offal were left on the doorstoop of our headquarters. Zeus couldn't assume the form of a wolf if his life depended on it. With the Olympians in disarray, running against each other, you can bet it wasn't them. And 'the wages of sin is death'? Hah! Not in Valhalla, where the means of production of sin are in the hands of the workers."
Allah '04 spokesperson Mullah Ronnie al-Burkett concurs, noting that "the snot-nosed brat will do anything to win. Just last week someone threw a tuna casserole at The Holy One's motorcade as it passed through the streets of Hong Kong. The culprit was later identified as a Christian Coalition canvasser dressed as a Falun Gong supporter. And he's not alone--after the Holy One's shoes were found to be filled with salmon cream and wolf excrement, the perpetrator was found to be a close friend of Ba'al for God '04 campaign director Ann Coulter, recently returned from a campaign trip to heaven. The wolves? Under the control of Anubis, I think, who, since he knows he doesn't stand a chance in the election, is only too willing to throw his support to Ba'al."
Jesus Himself remains unavailable for comment, rising above the fray as He takes a couple of days off to clear some brush from around his ranch near Jerusalem.
Reason Rules in '04 campaign spokesperson Baruch "Jim" Spinoza released a statement noting that, while their party doesn't actually have a actual personal god running for the position of worldwide deity, reason dictates that a clean campaign is essential to a reliable outcome. "The last thing the party of Reason wants is a lengthy recount, thunderbolts being slung about, smitings and apocalyptic rumblings."
Meanwhile, in related news, the Million Mantid March continues with its new theme, "Satanists for Zeus in '04," as their march continues toward Washington, D.C. The March, originally designed to oust from office beloved president Abraham Lincoln, recently elected by acclaim, has been bogged down lately, as shortages of Raid vaccine have increased deaths among the ranks, and packs of ravenous wolves have eaten huge gaps in the columns, as the Iraqi lambs and sheep ran away from their assigned anti-wolf guard duties. Yesterday, near the Dismal Swamp, a phalanx of walking catfish created panic as they flopped into the midst of the mantids with packets of C-4 strapped to their bodies and detonated them. Fortunately, students from the Mystic, CT, W.A.V.E. program were on hand to collect the body parts to good use. The W.A.V.E. program has recently endorsed Poseidon for Worldwide Deity in '04.