Thursday, October 28, 2004


Holy Family Campaign Tactics Turn Vicious

Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ in the waiting room at Elizabeth Arden

The Vatican, Rome (UPI) -- The Holy Family's tempers flared publicly today as the media seized hold of Israeli desert God Yahweh's alleged "outing" of His Son Jesus Christ yesterday.

Mary, Yahweh's ex-girlfriend and the Holy (though unmarried) Mother of Jesus, confessed tearfully to reporters today that she never would have thought the God of ancient Israel would go and do something as--in her words--"cheap and tawdry" as this.

"How could He make a wild, hurtful, and totally untrue accusation like that, in front of the media and everybody? How can He call my sweet little Boy a fairy? How can He suggest that our Love Child, now a 2004-year-old grown Godling in His own right, would prefer to put His thing in the vile smelly hairy buttocks of another man instead of the warm soft honeypot of a nice Jewish girl?

"The only thing I can conclude," Mary added sadly, "is that the God I knew--in the Biblical sense--back in Palestine is not a good man."

The young Son of God himself, Jesus Christ, whom some identify as the Messiah prophesied in the Hebrew Bible--an identification that will, of course, be decided once and for all in next Tuesday's election--denied His Father in Heaven's charges indignantly.

"I most certainly am not gay," he said, "and it is simply beyond belief to me that Dad could lay this kind of heavy rap on me now, of all times. Clearly he is a God who will say and do anything in order to get elected. And I am not speaking just as a Son here, though a pretty angry Son, but as a citizen."

Jesus added that Yahweh had never considered Him "man" enough to be God anyway. "He was always ragging on me about My message of love and forgiveness," Jesus explained. "And He just plain hated the fact that I used facial conditioners and toners, and slept in moisturizing gloves. Apparently a desert God of His generation wasn't supposed to take care of His skin. But bubble baths and aromatherapy soy votives do not make a God gay! I mean, come on, wasn't He the One Who said cleanliness is next to godliness?"

When asked to comment on the media furore over his remarks, Yahweh snorted irritably. "I never said the Kid was gay," he said. "That media puke Bill Kaul misquoted Me. My Word was taken out of context. I never uttered a faggy Word in my life, and my Son ain't no fudge-packer neither, even if he is a big liberal pussy that would rather help a blind crippled cockroach across the road than smite a sinner."

"If anybody's gay in My Family," Yahweh added, "it isn't my pantywaist milquetoast of a Son, the shmendrick, but His radical lesbo Mother, Mary herself. Why do you think all those nuns love her so much? Okay, okay, I know, she's being who she is, she's being who she was born as, sure. I'm just sayin."

Yahweh left with one final parting shot at the reporter who broke the story: "Bill Kaul better watch his ass, is all's I'm saying. That f**ker blew chunks on my cookout up in heaven last week and I didn't say nothin. But a long-haired sheep-farmin hippie who goes around putting faggy Words in My mouth about my Son being a poofter better lock his door at night, if you know what I mean, not that a locked door is going to stop the Creator of the Universe. You hear Me, Kaul? I know where you live, you f**ker."

Yahweh did not retract his surprising flipflop support for gay civil unions, revealed in yesterday morning's interview with Charlie Gibson on ABC's Good Morning America.

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