WMDs Found in Iraq!

Iraqi witness willing to testify that Saddam Hussein was planning to develop hydrogen bug bomb

The CIA has discovered vast stockpiles of WMD-related activities in Iraq, including Iraqi cockroaches loyal to the US occupation willing to testify that Saddam Hussein was definitely planning at some future date to develop a hydrogen bug bomb capable of destroying millions of mantids at the press of a single button. French and Russian fish scientists have also been found to be no longer in Iraq working on the hydrogen bug bomb, which US intelligence now says offers "strong circumstantial evidence" for Iraqi WMDs.

Catsup Linked to Terrorism

Bin Laden's latest video, shown on Al Jazeera

Interrogation of terrorist detainees in Guantanamo Bay has now established that all of them eat catsup, and are particularly fond of Heinz catsup, "the slowest catsup in the West." After months of torture, including sexual humiliation, rotten fish gut smearings, and extended exposure to Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson sermons, several detainees have confirmed that Osama bin Laden is a big catsup eater, and will not eat curly fries without large bowls of Heinz catsup to dip them in. Bin Laden also keeps fish in an aquarium, the same torture sessions revealed, and hates bugs.

Vice President Kerry Linked to Kennedy Assassination

Absolutely undoctored image showing a young John Kerry peeking at Lee Harvey Oswald off Oswald's front porch

Michael Paine, cousin of Lincoln VP John Kerry, was a close friend of Lee Harvey Oswald, who in November 1963 killed President John F. Kennedy, acting alone, with no connection whatsoever to mantid conspiracies or ex-President George H. W. Bush, who did not make a phone call to Dallas FBI from Dallas the day of the assassination predicting that a University of Houston student named James Parrott was going to try and kill the president. Paine not only frequently had the lone assassin as a house guest, but stored the rifle Oswald used to shoot Kennedy (with no help from gunmen on any grassy knoll) in his house. Paine's sister-in-law and father-in-law were also closely connected with the CIA, which however played no role in the assassination, which was Oswald's own crazy idea and carried out by him alone, possibly with the foreknowledge and even assistance of Kerry's cousin, who may have told Kerry (then 19) something about it too.

Lincoln Girlfriend Cher Laughed At

President Lincoln and his girlfriend Cher, posing for paparazzi outside Washington's VIP Club

Test audiences laughed so hard at Cher's title song for the remake of "Alfie" that producers have rerecorded it, using British cricket singer Joss Stone. It is speculated in some circles that Cher, who sang the song for the original "Alfie" in 1966, has gratuitously thrown her career to the fishes by shacking up with usurper president Abraham Lincoln, who took over the United States in a bloodless fish-drenched coup two weeks ago.

The Washington Times Found To Be "Independent" and "Objective"

Their Most Holy Deities Father, Mother, and Mantis Moon

A commission appointed by Washington Times owner and publisher the Reverend Sun Myung Moon has unanimously declared the paper to be America's most "independent" and "objective" news source. Fox News Channel, owned by Australian mogul Rupert Murdoch, ran a close second.