Tuesday, September 14, 2004


Scientists Write In: Concern Grows

Dear Mullah Billdoug:

Lately your blog has been full of discussion about the “forbidden experiment.” What exactly is the forbidden experiment, and why is it forbidden? Who forbade it?

As a scientist, I do a lot of experiments. But I never had anyone tell me there was one I wasn’t allowed to do. What could it be? And, has it been done? If so, what were the results? Help me out.


Dr. Erasmus P. Totem, Scientist-at-Large

Dear Dr. Totem:

Let’s address each of your questions one at a time. What is it? Let’s just say that if the forbidden experiment were done, we would know if Schrodinger’s cat were alive or dead. There would no longer be any heaven or hell. The Heisenberg uncertainty principle would be certain. And Karl Rove would control all the energy in the universe but would be unable to do anything with it. It involves mechanical Christs, okay? There, I said it. But that’s all I’m gonna say. Who forbade it? Nobody, exactly speaking, forbade it. It’s just that everyone knows it’s forbidden. I mean, hell, nobody has to tell you not to shit in your shoes, do they? As to whether or not it’s been done, it’s hard to say right now. The lights are out in heaven, and frozen poultry is raining from the sky. Baseball in America has been replaced with some game involving headless goats, and there’s no designated hitter rule. It could be that it has been done. We’ll know soon enough, because the results would be even worse than what I’ve described so far. Stay tuned, and keep your Bunsen burners turned off for safety’s sake.

Yours in Premillennial Ecstasy,

Esther Lynn Prescott
Secretary to Mullah Billdoug

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