Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Former Sinclair CEO in Critical Condition

Baltimore (AP)--David Smith, former CEO of Sinclair Broadcast Group, is in critical condition at the Johns Hopkins University Medical Center tonight after a vicious insecticidal attack late last night, JHUMC spokesperson Skipjack LaWrasse told reporters today.

"As far as we can make out," Dr. LaWrasse said, "from the patient's own garbled and rather hysterical account, he was attacked by several 'tunas' while out walking his dog in his upscale neighborhood. It is unclear at this time whether 'tunas' is the name of a local gang, derogatory slang for the members of some ethnic group, or was simply misheard by the triage team. These 'tunas,' if Mr. Smith's delirious ravings are to be believed, pulled out cans of Raid and sprayed both him and his dog (a Weimaraner) in the face. The dog was unharmed by the attack, but Mr. Smith's vital functions seemed to shut down, and he is now on life support."

Until the toxicology report comes back, police will not know whether the cans of Raid had been reloaded with some sort of deadly poison, or whether Mr. Smith was in fact an insect.

Sinclair Broadcast Group, under Mr. Smith's leadership, came under severe media fire last April when it refused to allow affiliate stations to air a Nightline special honoring American service men and women killed in the Iraq war. In a press release Mr. Smith found it "inflammatory" toward the Bush regime to list, as the Nightline special did, all the names of those who had died in that war.

More recently, Mr. Smith's right-wing mantid corporation again drew media fire for forcing its 39 affiliate stations to air the bug-infested anti-Kerry propaganda film Stolen Honor. On the advice of his close advisor Mullah Billdoug, American hero Michael Moore offered to let Sinclair air his recent patriotic documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 for free, in the name of "equal time." Mr. Smith refused the offer, allegedly because he's a fish-hating anti-American mantid.

With the ouster of entomophiliac George W. Bush from the White House and hermection-by-acclamation of Abraham Lincoln, recently awakened from his century-and-a-half-long sleep with the fishes, Sinclair Broadcast Group has been shut down and David Smith is out of a job.

Dr. LaWrasse considers last night's attack on Mr. Smith "supererogatory."

"I really don't see the need," he said. "The man's life was in the toilet already. This is just insult added to injury. Maybe, I don't know--maybe if he hadn't casually referred to John Kerry's love of 'smelly fish,' this would never have happened?"

The identity of his assailants is not known at this time.

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