Monday, October 18, 2004

 

Malathion Marathon

There is a problem, though. Ever since he escaped from the French (how did that happen? he can’t remember) he’s had this horrible side effect from living as a human dildo—an enormous thirst. He just can’t stop drinking. Water, mostly, but god, anything, anything, to slake this dry throat. And these slits in the side of his neck that pop open every so often when he’s drinking. Annoying—as if his throat had been cut so cleanly that the slits just opened occasionally while he swallows. Maybe he should have Mengele take a look, sew them up ...

But for now, to check the field reports and headlines:

ITEM: School of giant squid sinks billionaire Gates’ pleasure craft; all aboard devoured; millions in cash missing.

Hm. That’s bad. Was counting on Gates to cover some of the expenses of this mantid march. Maybe he mentioned us in his will.

ITEM: Temple complex at Mount St. Helens covered with water as crater collapses and lake forms; odd marine life noticed in new lake; poet at the scene reports that Triton rose up from the depths to blow his wreathed horn.

So the Hermectoral College is underwater now, eh? Damned fish. Need to get Hephaestos busy on blowing that lake sky-high ... Fucking poets. Poseidon on their side, is he? We’ll see about that.

ITEM: New “French cockroaches” 100% liberal; no kind of insecticide seems effective, say former GOP leaders now in hiding.

Well, we’ll just have to use a bug zapper, then ...

ITEM: Strange insect behavior “not a worry” says Lincoln; new “bug zapper” irresistible to mantids, and hundreds of thousands walk to fiery death as elite exterminator squads are dispatched to key cities with new equipment; French cockroaches impervious to alluring light.

God-damn it! Where’s DeLay? He’ll know how to handle this.

ITEM: Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay’s skin found abandoned at Lincoln Memorial; note at scene says “The Jefferson and Rousseau Brigade,” a heretofore unknown pro-Lincoln group, claims responsibility, says “French cockroaches” cleaned out the inside of former congressional leader.

Huh. That fucks that, then. Guess we’ll have to count on the Orkin Brigade.

ITEM: Lincoln addresses killer robotic goat scientists’ convention in Washington; urges attendees to focus on “bringing the wrath of heaven down to earth” while “preserving a place for 2nd-rate deities on small tropical atolls in the Pacific”; scientists cheer wildly; since Lincoln has taken office, killer robotic goat research funding has increased twofold while funding to creation science has been cut following allegations that labs are simply breeding grounds for mantids.

Rove growls. Note to self: get an operative into Sufi University!

“Ummmm, sir?” A voice calls from just outside the door.

“What, goddammit? Where’s my water? Did you bring my water?”

“Here, sir. But you should know that we are running low. Apparently all water supplies to this part of Kentucky have been diverted somehow—we’re down to a gallon apiece now and a bare trickle off the cave walls.”

Rove’s gills flap as he drinks. He doesn't hear that last bit.




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