Friday, September 10, 2004

 

From the Weekly News World Report


ERRATIC WEATHER BLAMED ON “SMART STORMS”

Marvin Earstam, Writer

Juanita Benavidez reports from Mexico City that a thunderstorm “told her he was going to” unleash a bolt of lightning that would kill her ex-husband, moments before Mr. Benavidez, was, in fact, killed by a bolt of lightning. “Yes, the cloud spoke to me,” she told this writer. “It came out of the clear blue sky, and said that since my husband was a no-good bum who treated me badly, he was going to kill with lightning. And the, ZAP! He was dead.” The storm, she says, just drifted off after that. “I never even had a chance to thank him,” she notes.

Claudio Morimarty reports from St. Kitts that a hurricane just “appeared out of nowhere” as he was walking along the beach one morning. The storm, Mr. Morimarty says, stopped just offshore and then yelled in a loud voice, “Get ready, you tropical fuckers! I’m-a gonna come screaming in. Gimme five minutes, and I’m gonna bloooooooooow your houses down!” The unexpected storm, later hastily named Cicely, did over $200,000,000 worth of damage on St. Kitts. Other residents reported hearing the storm laugh and yell as it crossed the small island nation, saying things like “Whoooo-eee!” and “Yeeee-hah!”

A tornado tapped on the door of Mr. And Mrs. Earl Potter in Munceville, Iowa, last Saturday. The couple reports from their hospital beds that the tornado was at first very polite, introduced itself as "Ted," and said it was conducting a poll, and wanted to know who they planned to vote for in November. When they said they planned to vote a straight Democratic ticket, the tornado “went berserk and said ‘Like hell you will!’ and blew our house apart” according to Mr. And Mrs. Potter. "Damn near killed us," Mr. Potter said. "Now what kind of a way is that for a twister to act, anyways?"

What’s the cause of all this? Nobody knows, but these “Smart Storms” are sure causing a lot of trouble.




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