Wednesday, November 10, 2004


Jesus Defends Own Liberalism

"My guest again today is Jesus Christ, whom many consider to be the Savior of the whole world. Welcome back to the show, Jesus."

"Thanks, Al. Glad to be back. Air America is the only media outlet that will have me any more these days."

"So I've noticed. There seems to be a regular jihad going on against You out there."

"There certainly does, Al. And the ironic thing is, it's being waged by people in My Name."

"So let's get one thing straight."


"Tim LaHaye's now saying that You must be an impostor, because Jesus isn't a liberal, he's a compassionate conservative in favor of genocide, assault rifles, and a right-wing police state. Which is it: are you a liberal or a right-wing nutjob?"

"Well, Al, as I've told you and your listeners before, I'm a liberal. Always have been. That was the whole idea behind Christianity, in fact--to liberalize a dangerously primitive hate-filled ancient religion. My Dad, well--bless His heart, but He never had much patience for diversity. People got their own ideas, He just wanted to pinch their little heads and start over. Job finally suggested to Him that He make Me, a liberal, to tone things down a little."

"Oh, Job told Him that, did he?"

"Sure. 'I know my Redeemer liveth.' That was Me."

"Okay, but, uh, that was a pretty big turnaround, wasn't it? From the Jewish Bible's genocidal intolerance for difference to 'love your neighbor as yourself'?"

"Sure, in a way. But the germs of liberalism were always there. Jonah's a liberal book. The whole message of the Book of Jonah is DON'T annihilate Iraq--talk to them. These fundamentalist crusaders today keep conveniently forgetting about that."

"Really? There's a book in the Old Testament that says don't annihilate Iraq?"

"The Book of Jonah. Check it out. Nineveh, the city Jonah wants Dad to destroy, was in what today is Iraq."

"So but the rest of the Old Testament must be the basis of this so-called 'compassionate' war-mongering, right?"

"For the most part, sure. But there are plenty of liberal glimmers in it. Proverbs 11:25 says 'The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.' Proverbs 19:6 says "many will entreat the favor of a liberal man.' Isaiah 32:5 says 'The vile person shall be no more called liberal, nor the churl said to be bountiful.' Isaiah 32:8 says 'But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand.'"

"What about You, though? What makes You such a liberal?"

"Hey, I was the guy who said that it's going to be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man like Tim LaHaye to enter the kingdom of heaven. I loved the oppressed masses and hated the oppressors. I was committed to justice for the oppressed, care for the poor and the hungry, healing for the wounded, hospitality to foreigners and immigrants, and good stewardship of the earth. I stood for everything the Christian Right despises as liberalism."

"So what's it going to be--are You going to make sure Tim LaHaye goes to hell when he dies?"

"Well, Al, I have to tell you, things are in transition right now. Nefarious plots are afoot. I'm afraid I'm being squeezed out."

"Out? What, of heaven?"

"Out of the family."

"The Family? Are You telling me there's some kind of heavenly Mafia?"

"No, the Holy Family. Dad, Mom, and Me. They think my liberalism lost us the election. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to be replaced."

"Replaced--with who? With what?"

"God only knows, Al."

"Well, it's been great having You on the show again, Jesus."

"Always a pleasure, Al."

"For Air America, this is Al Franken, signing out."

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