Wednesday, January 26, 2005

 

Concert for Conversion

Okay, look. Don’t think of it as conversion. Think of it as a change of name only. Like, if someone asks, you just say, “I love Jesus.” You check the little box that says “Evangelical Christian” instead of the one that says “Muslim.” You tell the guards you don’t eat pork for health reasons. Say “Praise the Lord” instead of “Allah Akhbar.”

Blasphemy! I would be consigned to the deepest pits of hell.

Look here, my good man. Don’t you want to get out of this place?

Well, of course. Are you saying they’ll let me go if I convert to Christianity?

I have a signed statement by Alberto Gonzales to that effect.

This Gonzales, he has the power to free me?

Very soon he will, yes.

Hm. And you say I just have to make it convincing enough to the guards and shrinks? Make them think I’m a Christian?

Born-again Christian, yes.

I don’t know. That didn’t work so well for Karla Faye Tucker.

Oh, you heard about that, eh?

What, you think I don’t keep up with the news? They killed her, even though she converted.

Well, yeah, but she was a murderer. She killed people with an axe.

I’ve killed a lot of people, too. Nah. This won’t work. They won’t let me go. They’ll kill me and then I’ll go to hell.

What if I got Jesus and Mohammed to come and talk to you? You know, a nice little chat. If they came and talked to you and promised it would be okay, then maybe you’d convert?

You could do that?

Sure, sure. They’re on tour now, out in the grounds.

Grounds?

Yeah, the grounds of the Groundlessness of Being. They've got a show there tonight for the '04-'05 tour. They’re calling it the “Pre-Rapture 70 Virgins Tour.” I caught ‘em at Sufi U before I was fired. We exchanged cards.

OK, fine. Arrange a visit. Maybe you could arrange a Jesus and Mohammed concert here at Camp X-Ray? You know, for morale. Tell them we’ll all think about converting then.

Sure, sure. I’ll go check on it right now.




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