Monday, September 06, 2004
Urban Degravitation Events Recorded Worldwide
After a week of unusually intense (super?)natural disasters, just when we thought we could begin to loosen the industrial-strength bungee cords that were holding our cars in our driveways and our computers on our desks, scientists in the Department of Creationist Seismology at Magnolia Bible College in Kosciusko, Mississippi, are reporting a series of bizarre Urban Degravitation Events (UDEs) in whole cities. The liberal media, fearing an outbreak of religious revivalism in the heartlands, have so far managed to keep these UDEs quiet; but the disappearance into the skies of entire cities, and in some cases of whole boroughs in major metropolitan areas, makes it impossible even for the all-powerful liberal media to keep a lid on this indefinitely.
And in any case we here at Mullah Billdoug take our journalistic duties very seriously indeed, and feel compelled to break this news story no matter how many abortionists, gays, lesbians, feminists, civil liberties lawyers, and Kerry campaigners it pisses off.
What apparently is happening is that tall buildings, whole streets and neighborhoods, and in many cases large metropolitan areas have been coming loose from their moorings and soaring up into the upturned bowl of the sky. Here are some of the US cities thus far hit (investigations are still underway, and it is not yet known whether all of these cities have completely degravitated or only certain neighborhoods):
Gwynn Oak and Owings Mills, Maryland (apparently just the Social Security Administration buildings, though)
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Kansas City, Missouri
San Mateo, San Jose, Laguna Niguel, North Hills, and large chunks of Los Angeles, California
Green Bay, Wisconsin (just the football stadium, unfortunately during a Packers home game)
Magnolia Bible College's creationist seismographs have also recorded scattered Urban Degravitation Events in Malaga, Spain, Porto, Portugal, Soignies, Belgium, Helsinki, Finland, Helsingor, Denmark (but only Hamlet's castle), Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, Petaling Jaya, Malaysia, and Singapore. Successive highly localized (called by experts "pinpoint") UDEs in Milton Keynes, England (a city not named for John Milton and John Maynard Keynes), took only the world's longest shopping mall (720 meters long), indoor ski slope, Open University, National Badminton Centre, and National Hockey Stadium.
Creationist seismologists at Magnolia Bible College, their machines pressed to the breaking point by incoming data, have not yet had the leisure time to seek out a Bible-based explanation for the events. However, a prayer network in and around Kosciusko reports that heaven's storm drains are clogging up at an alarming rate, and suggests there may be a connection with the upward loss of global urban infrastructure.
Born-again Christians who would like to build their own seismographs to track UDEs around the globe are encouraged to download instructions from the University of California Seismological Laboratory in Berkeley.