Thursday, September 02, 2004


Another Rapture Scam Victim Writes In

Dear Mullah Billdoug:

I am very interested in the discussion of Austrians and the Rapture. Just last week, while walking my miniature schnauzer along the promenade and sipping a diet cola, I was suddenly whisked into the air, where, in a cloud, I ran into the arms of a rather large sinister-looking man with a pronounced Austrian accent. He slapped me across the cheek and insisted that I stop being a liberal. I didn’t know what to do or say. I was frozen with fear, and the clouds were swirling about us.

He became more insistent. “Swear you will stop being a liberal! Swear it!” he shouted into my face, holding me by the lapels of my polo shirt and shaking me.

Fortunately, at the precise moment I was going to speak, my little schnauzer bit the man on the calf of his leg. With a cry of pain, the man dropped me and I returned to earth, a bit shaken but apparently unharmed.

The only odd thing is that when I got home, all of my copies of Penthouse, The Nation and Guns & Ammo magazines were missing.

The question is this—was I raptured? Or was this something else?


Allen X. Keynes

Dear Allen:

I pains me to say this, but the editorial staff here at Mullah Billdoug must tell you that you were the victim of the Schwarzenegger Rapture Scam.

In this scam, a large suction machine—not unlike a giant vacuum cleaner—mounted in the belly of a large cargo plane, sucks you up into the clouds where Austrian bodybuilders posing as Austrian philosophers try to intimidate you into becoming a conservative.

While you are there, agents of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth are busily ransacking your apartment for old copies of Penthouse, The Nation and Guns & Ammo magazines.

It is our hope that the proper authorities will find the persons behind this scam and put a stop to it before Tim LaHaye gets ahold of one of these cargo planes. They could be used to disturb global weather patterns and simulate the end-time.


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