Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Across the Ontic Bridge

Lift your hands off the keyboard. NOW! Lift them slowly and place them on your head. Both of you. Good. Now stand.

W-what is this about?

Never mind that. You're both under arrest.

Arrest!? For what?

Sedition. Conspiracy to commit war crimes. Aiding the enemy. Would you like me to continue?

We never did any of those things.

Oh no? Then what do you call this?

That--that's the blog post I put up yesterday. What about it?

It's seditious. It's conspiratorial to commit war crimes. It aids the enemy. I can't believe you're even questioning this. I'd have thought you two would hide yourselves better than this. You weren't even expecting us!

What on earth is so seditious in that post?

You reveal information in an ongoing military operation to our enemies.

What, Guantanamo Bay is an ongoing military operation?

Everything's an ongoing military operation. Surely you should have figured that out by now. You're smart boys.

But Bill didn't even post that.

I'm coming to you, Robinson. You wanna confess to writing this?



Of course not.

But it's got your name at the bottom. Posted by Doug Robinson at 4:24 pm, January 30, 2005.

You believe everything you read?

You fuckin with me, Robinson?

Not at all. I just didn't post it. And Bill didn't post the one you clicked on first.

Don't give me that.

They were posted from the future by the Mullah Billdoug himself.

What the hell is this, from the future? You know about any future shit, Sheridan?

No sir.

What is this future shit? Sheridan and me don't know nothin about it.

We're not sure how it works, actually. Doug thinks it's the Mullah. I think it's a robot goat wearing a Wittgenstein mask and limping.

I've heard some cock-and-bull stories in my life ...

No cocks. No bulls. It's a goat-and-mullah story.

Shut up!

Ow! You hit me! I'm an American citizen!

Not no more you ain't. You're a fucking detainee. Shut up or I'll rearrange your DNA. I've got the syringe and I'm aching to use it.

B-but you can't just come in here and take us like this!

Why the fuck not? We're from Homeland Security.

Yeah, but Doug and I live in different states. We are never present at the same time-space coordinates. This is a flagrant violation of the laws of nature!

Lemme tellya something, you little twerps. George W. Bush knows everything and sees everything and he don't care about no laws of nature, got that? He'll do whatever he and God decide is right, and devil take the hindmost.

Bill's the hindmost.

The fuck I am! Doug's always been the hindmost! Just ask anybody!

I said shut up! You want me to use this syringe?



Okay then. Load em in the van, Sheridan.

Yes sir. Shall I take down the ontic bridge?

Nah. We may need it again.

Yes sir.

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