Monday, December 13, 2004
Dear Mullah Billdoug
I must take exception to your casual slur on the many upstanding members of my species in your post yesterday. If you mean to imply that all red herrings are somehow involved in misdirection and deceit, why, you've got a lot to learn, is all's I've got to say about that.
Sure, we've had our share of bottom-feeders. Old Red Joe had his fling with communism, back in the forties. But so what? It was a common enough heresy, back then, before we knew about Stalin and the labor camps. Boo-Red got into that spot of trouble with a guppy, a glow-worm, and a bottle of mercurochrome. His wife never forgave him for that, but their marital troubles should be of no concern to your readers! And I'm here to tell you that the "scandal" everybody was talking about a few years ago involving me and an emperor plecostomus was blown way out of proportion by the media. He and I are just good friends. There was never anything "funny" between us. We have too much respect for each other, and ourselves, to get involved in anything dirty and disgusting like what the papers were reporting.
But none of this has the slightest bearing on the fact that herrings of all shapes, sizes, and colors are good red-state citizens and loyal bug-loving Republicans. We are not deceivers. We are not liars. We are not blogless communists helping you and your kind escape from the Wrath of Blog. All my relatives and I, and lots of other good red-state mackerels, tunas, and sprats as well, will thank you to keep us out of your liberal blue-state machinations from here on out.