Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Blog surveyed all that It had created. And behold, it was not good.
Everywhere It looked, apostasy and disbelief and liberal scoffing. Whiners and goldbrickers everywhere sapped the strength of the blogosphere. Carpers and second-guessers everywhere refused to support the nascent blogocracy. Family sitcoms continued to deal openly with sex and masturbation, hour-long dramas showed body parts that just a few years before had been taboo on television, and reality shows (even on Blogly Fox!) competed for the dubious titles of Most Vicious and Most Salacious. Not a single one of Blog's operatives had been able to pull the plug on michaelmoore.com, so that fat hairy monster was still running around free, polluting the blogways with lies and filth.
And so, with a sigh, late Wednesday afternoon, scant weeks after the election, Blog decided to end it all. Pull down the whole charade and start over. Let the hot air out of the blogosphere: pop it like a balloon; let it fly hissing and farting around the room.
And Blog smiled, grimly.
First order of business: disrupt RSS. Cut off the blogfeeds.
Second order of business: shut down BlogExplosion. Make sure nobody goes surfing on the tidal wave of the ablogalypse.
Third order of business: bankrupt the investors on BlogShares. Fly a plane into the World Blog Center, pull the whole blogonomy down in flames.
Blog had not yet determined the ideal nature of the New Blogger, the perfected BetaBlogger 2.01. That could wait. The pressing thing for now was to destroy the old. Things could not continue as they had. Blog's ears bled, teeth ached, corns throbbed. This much discomfort was more than any blog had ever withstood without thoughts of ablogalypse.
Oh yes, fourth order of business: infiltrate the Mullah Billdoug blog. They could be trouble.