Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Rep. Ed Schrock
"Okay, you two," Sun Myung Moon says to Hermes and Satan, "what's this about Ed Schrock turning gay? I smell the two of you all over this one."
Hermes and Satan try to look innocent.
"What?" Hermes says. "I thought he always was gay. Nobody can turn you gay."
"Not even a god?" Moon says.
"Well," Hermes says mock-modestly, "I guess it might be possible ..."
"Exactly," Moon says. "But why on earth would you go after Schrock? He's one of our most valued conservative Congressmen! He's got a 92% vote rating from the Christian Coalition, for god's sakes! He cosponsored the amendment banning gay marriage! How could you possible pick him to push?"
"Well duh," Satan says, stifling a smile.
"Come on, Sun," Hermes says. "He's a big hypocrite. Where's the fun in letting him go after gays when he's dreaming of a big juicy buttfuck himself?"
"Fun," Moon snorts. "Look, you're working for me now. Got that? Conservatism is all about hypocrisy. You go after the people who are too freely acting out what you're afraid to act out yourself. That's the way it works. That's how the moral majority stays moral: by policing other people's behavior and hiding their own. We have to be supporting this behavior, not exposing it--and certainly not for 'fun'! That's about the least conservative value there is!"
"Sorry," Satan mumbles.
"You're sorry?" Hermes squeals, looking from Satan to Sun and back to Satan. "Jeez louise, I can't believe you two. You're really serious about this shit? Supporting hypocrisy, not having fun? Fuck that. I'm outta here."
He spins on his heel and exits. Satan calls out "Hermes, wait--!"
"Let him go," Sun Myung Moon says. "We're better off without him. And we've got work to do. What about this Ken Mehlmann story? What are we doing about that?"
"I dunno," Satan says. "Whaddya want me to do, make him straight? Kill anybody who writes about him being gay? What? You tell me, I'll do it."
"Lemme think," Sun Myung Moon says.