Monday, October 11, 2004


Liberal Irony Disorder

Mullah Billdoug, right?


Do you know why you’re here?

To get better.

And so you do believe that you have a “problem,” that there’s something wrong with you, that you need to recover from.

Of course I do. Everybody says so, my staff says so, you say so--I'm thinking, how could all those people possibly be wrong? It must be true.

And yet that was an ironic remark too, wasn’t it?

Not at all. I believe it implicitly. In fact, in saying it I have a very strong feeling that I am already on the road to recovery.

You’re having your ironic way with me, aren’t you?

Don’t be absurd. I’ve never been more straightforward in my life.

You think irony isn’t a disease, don’t you? You think it’s a lifestyle choice.

Well, wait a minute. Let’s think about this. You’re a doctor, right?

Not a medical doctor. A Ph.D., but yes, quite.

Your degree is in--psychology?

In a way, yes. My doctorate is in Creationist Foxology, from Rupert Murdoch University.

Foxology, as in Fox News Channel?

Yes. You'd like to make an ironic remark about that?

Heavens, no. What a fascinating degree program that must have been.

It was.

It really must have opened your eyes to the simplicity of the human mind.

Ah now see: that's irony, isn't it.

Good Lord no. I've long believed that the human mind is far simpler than Sigmund Freud and intellectuals have wanted to make it seem.

You're an inveterate ironist. A chronic satirist.

I'm serious!

You hate America, you hate George W. Bush, and you hate me. I know that. It's written all over your liberal face. And you want to make fun of us any way you can. But you know that I hold the keys to your freedom, right here in my pen, right here in what I put in my report. So you're cleverly disguising your satirical remarks as sincerity. But see, that's part of your sickness. That's a symptom of your disease.

My Liberal Irony Disorder.

Your LID, yes.

Can I ask you a question?


Your diagnosis of me is Liberal Irony Disorder. Does that mean your training leads you to diagnose all irony as liberal? Or do you assume that only liberal irony is a disorder?

I don't follow.

Suppose you heard Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity make an ironic remark about liberals. Would you assume some sort of pathology there?

Oh, the sickness goes deep in you, doesn't it? You really can't stand being wrong, and it's got you all twisted up inside. Well, let me assure you, Mullah Billdoug: we're here to help you. We want you to get better. We're going to do everything in our power to make sure you kick this LID monkey off your back but good.

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