Friday, October 08, 2004
Hi, I'm Mullah Billdoug
"Hi, I'm Mullah Billdoug, and I'm a blogoholic."
"Hi, Mullah Billdoug. You, uh--you're looking a bit hazy this evening."
"I know. I'm feeling a bit hazy. I've lost focus. I'm scattered over three virtual continents. My plot is out of control."
"Tell us how it all went down, Mullah."
"Well, it started innocently enough, I guess. A little twist here, a turn or two there. I had it happening. It was all good. I was adding characters left and right. But then I found that I couldn't keep the events and characters in my plot coordinated. There were too many gods, too many humans. They did whatever they wanted. They did it whenever they wanted. My sidekicks, Bill and Doug, somehow got kicked to one side. I swear I don't know how that happened. Now they snub me on the street. The unities were in a shambles. The Writer's Guild cancelled my membership. My editor of 20 years left me. I got a mysterious email from my agent's secretary saying he'd contracted some rare disease and the doctors wouldn't let him talk to anybody. My statcounter stats plummeted. Fewer page loads every day, for shorter and shorter times. Most of them stumbled onto my blog by accident, after running a Google search for "the" or "whatever," stayed three seconds, and hastily dropped a "Get me the fuck outta here" cookie as they fled. Not even the reading addicts would look at my stuff when they were out of everything else. I ended up in front of my computer with the shakes, seriously considering blogocide but still unable to stop adding characters and complications and, and ... well, that's why I'm here."
"We're glad to have you, Mullah. You're among friends."
