Friday, September 24, 2004
Have your favorite blogs seemed blah to you lately? Have you caught yourself wishing blogs had more PUNCH?
And has your spiritual life been flagging as well? Do you feel like you're on the verge of major backslidery?
If so, we've got just the blogonic device for you!
Advanced Blogonic Solutions, Inc., brings you the first blogonically controlled God suit: the God-Blog-u-Lator.
Here's how it works. You simply don the suit as you would any pressurized vacuum suit, as for a space voyage or deep-sea exploration. On the convenient LED wrist pad, then, you let the Setup Wizard walk you through parameter definition.
Set your control blog
Punch in the url of your favorite blog. Remember, the blogger at the other end becomes the "god" that controls your life!
You can choose your own deity!
Yes you can! You can choose among six deific settings:
(1) Yahweh, God of Israel
Feel the wrath of the Lord! Experience the boils of Job, the boneyard of Ezekiel, the cuckoldry of Hosea! Know in your own flesh just how mightily the LORD GOD hates gays, liberals, feminists, and environmentalists!
(2) Jesus Christ
Feel like your entire life is one long sermon or Rotary Club speech! Fight every moment to keep your head from dropping, your jaw from falling slack! Learn to laugh at jokes aimed at the very young and the very old!
(3) Allah (Mohammed edition)
Kill the infidels! Punish the transgressors against the Qur'an and the Traditions! Die a martyr's death!
(4) Allah (Rumi edition)
Fall in love with Shams-i-Tabriz! Dance till you drop! Experience the ecstatic vertigo of the whirling dervishes! Become Solomon, tying up spirit-women!
Experience enlightenment first-hand! Slough off your mortal coil! Enter Nirvana! Don't come back!
Live the intensity! Life as a drunken orgy! Enjoy human sacrifice at its freshest, as you yourself tear the limbs off your nearest and dearest! (Not safe for work.)
Or, for an extra $499.99, download hundreds of other deific settings right into your wrist pad!
Set local override
If you are not yet sure you want to give your life over into the hands of your favorite blogger, you can set Maximum Intensity Override to a safe level, so that no matter what commands your blogger sends, you will not end up in intensive care, the psych ward, or infinite space.
Act now! Buy your God-Blog-u-Lator today!
Add to shopping cart