Dear Mullah Billdoug,

I spent three hours reading your Web Site last night, and I have to say, in all Honesty but also Brotherly Love, that I don't find it very Christian. What you wrote over the weekend about our great President, George Walker Bush, was way off base. He is not a Chimp Clone! And I've never heard about him having the kind of Sexual Dysfunction that you write of. If he doesn't have Marital Relations with his sweet wife Laura, that's because they've already had their children and such Animalistical Behavior is no longer an important part of their Marriage. That's all. You don't have to make it into some kind of sneering thing. Sometimes, Mullah Billdoug, with all the sneering you do, I start to think you must be some kind of Liberal. But then I think, no, Harold, that's not a Christian thought. And so I don't think it.

As for President Bush calling Satan "ma man," well--I'm sure you know as well as I do that our President is a Born-Again Christian who would never, never in a Million Years, not even in a Zero Year, talk to the Devil in that tone. He would boldly hold up a Cross and say "Begone, thou Foul Slinking Wretch!" Or some such. That's how you talk to Foul Slinking Wretches, especially Satanic Ones, when you're a Born-Again Christian and a Strong Leader.

And why do you say Satan comes to the White House every day anyway? Why do you say Satan loves Republicans? Why do you say Karl Rove performs unnatural homosexual acts on Satan in the Oval Office while George Walker Bush "chats up the secretaries" in the Outer Office? Why do you say Satan plays poker every Friday night with Strom Thurmond, Trent Lott, and Zell Miller, and then they all go down to the Strip Club and get Lap Dances from Naked Black Women whom they look upon with fascinated disgust and don't touch anywhere on their Shiny Black Bodies?

And why did you stop writing about Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? It seemed to me for a while you were setting aside your Heathen Pagan Muslim ways and coming into the Arms of the Lord--especially when you were quoting letters from some of the most internationally renowned Creationist Scientists in the country--but then you seemed to Backslide into Cynical Liberal Muslimism again. What happened?

Maybe you could talk about Jesus some more? Have you read about the discovery of His Holy Prepuce? That would make for some interesting Web Pages, I bet. And wouldn't get you into Hot Water with You Know Whom.

Yours in Christ,
Harold P. Fingernecker (retd.)
Dayton, Ohio

# posted by Doug Robinson @ 7:29 AM