Sunday, September 05, 2004


Blogger Kudos

Dear Mullah Billdoug,

I was pleased to read in your blog such an unusually accurate and conscientious account of the current state of affairs here in heaven ("Oops"). A heavenly blogger of such insight and acumen is truly a pearl of great price. The 10-point Sufi lead has indeed knitted heaven's pundits' brows. The logical conundrum of poor obsessive Asimov stalking a Yahweh whose existence he is seeking to disprove has our mathematicians scratching their beards. Buddha is suicidal; there's no other word for it. Jesus is a little hellion and is going to take him lumps from Allah for dragging Mohammed into his scrapes, that is certain.

Surely, however, the Sufis would never seriously contemplate performing the forbidden experiment. This I believe must be an unconfirmed rumor that must be squelched before it does any more damage than it already has.

The main reason I'm writing, however, is to correct a laughably absurd phrasing that somehow managed to escape the blogger's red pen: "somewhere in downtown heaven." As we all know, this is theologically nonsensical. Origen of course was the first (in De surs. et deors. en caelo) to demonstrate that there is no down or up in heaven. Hence it is physically impossible for any one part of heaven to be above or below another. All objects, streets, and internet cafes in heaven are, needless to say--sigh! if only it were needless!--omniadjacent and omninestled.

Respectfully yours,

Cardinal John Henry Newman, decd.

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