Monday, August 30, 2004


Mullah Added to Faculty: Claims to be Billdoug

The Smegma Studies Program at Sufi U's effusive College of Pestilence announced the addition of an adjunct mullah today, the not-quite-grand, but Pretty Darn Good Ayatollah Billdoug. Among Billdoug's obsessions are wet orange things, hawking sticky phlegm for distance and accuracy, and making sandwiches in the dark...

I am Bill. Doug and I have been friends, if that's the right word, for what? 14 years? In that time, we have exchanged many many words and absoutely no body fluids, except for that one time in the cafeteria. Rumors to the contrary are the work of jealous lovers. I mean, regarding the exchange of words. He asked if I would like to post to this site, and so I am doing so... but this could be dangerous, even explosive. Control is not one of my more developed traits, especially when writing or walking. I gave up all other activities several years ago, including thinking, fucking, reading and motioning for more.

So be forewarned, readers. Or foreskinned. Or fore and aft, often.

The way I understand Sufi U can best be summed up by an incident that happened near the cafeteria, where the faculty, staff and students gather at odd times to sculpt cheeses, on a biweekly basis, only odder. We had a fine gouda bust of Edward II going, and we were set to top it off with a bandana made of gooey muenster, when damned if--from somewhere over to the top left by the shrine to Richard Burton's liver--came a ripping fart, a regular sphincter horn, complete with a fine mist of yellowish malodorous gas. We changed classes immediately and washed out our robes, taking care to save the lint.

That's what Sufi U does for development and karmic insurance.

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